I am an occupational therapist with years of experience working with children, parents, and teachers. I completely agree with this teacher’s message that our children are getting worse and worse in many aspects. I hear the same consistent message from every teacher I meet. Clearly, throughout my time as an Occupational Therapist, I have seen and continue to see a decline in kids’ social, emotional, and academic functioning, as well as a sharp increase in learning disabilities and other diagnoses.
As we know, the brain is malleable. Through environment, we can make the brain “stronger” or make it “weaker”. I truly believe that, despite all our greatest intentions, we unfortunately remold our children’s brains in the wrong direction. Here is why:
1. Technology
Using technology as a “Free babysitting service” is, in fact, not free at all. The payment is waiting for you just around the corner. We pay with our kids’ nervous systems, with their attention, and with their ability for delayed gratification. Compared to virtual reality, everyday life is boring.
When kids come to the classroom, they are exposed to human voices and adequate visual stimulation as opposed to being bombarded with the graphic explosions and special effects that they are used to seeing on the screens. After hours of virtual reality, processing information in a classroom becomes increasingly challenging for our kids because their brains are getting used to the high levels of stimulation that video games provide.
The inability to process lower levels of stimulation leaves kids vulnerable to academic challenges. Technology also disconnects us emotionally from our children and our families.
Parental emotional availability is the main nutrient for a child’s brain. Unfortunately, we are gradually depriving our children of that nutrient.
2. Kids Get Everything The Moment They Want It
“I am Hungry!!” “In a sec I will stop at the drive thru” “I am Thirsty!” “Here is a vending machine.” “I am bored!” “Use my phone!”
The ability to delay gratification is one of the key factors for future success. We have the best intentions – to make our children happy – but unfortunately, we make them happy at the moment but miserable in the long term.
To be able to delay gratification means to be able to function under stress. Our children are gradually becoming less equipped to deal with even minor stressors, which eventually become huge obstacles to their success in life.
The inability to delay gratification is often seen in classrooms, malls, restaurants, and toy stores the moment the child hears “No” because parents have taught their child’s brain to get what it wants right away.
3. Kids Rule The World
“My son doesn’t like vegetables.” “She doesn’t like going to bed early.” “He doesn’t like to eat breakfast.” “She doesn’t like toys, but she is very good at her iPad” “He doesn’t want to get dressed on his own.” “She is too lazy to eat on her own.”
This is what I hear from parents all the time. Since when do children dictate to us how to parent them? If we leave it all up to them, all they are going to do is eat macaroni and cheese and bagels with cream cheese, watch TV, play on their tablets, and never go to bed.
What good are we doing them by giving them what they WANT when we know that it is not GOOD for them? Without proper nutrition and a good night’s sleep, our kids come to school irritable, anxious, and inattentive. In addition, we send them the wrong message.
They learn they can do what they want and not do what they don’t want. The concept of “need to do” is absent. Unfortunately, in order to achieve our goals in our lives, we have to do what’s necessary, which may not always be what we want to do. For example, if a child wants to be an A student, he needs to study hard. If he wants to be a successful soccer player, he needs to practice every day. Our children know very well what they want, but have a very hard time doing what is necessary to achieve that goal. This results in unattainable goals and leaves the kids disappointed.
4. Endless Fun
We have created an artificial fun world for our children. There are no dull moments. The moment it becomes quiet, we run to entertain them again, because otherwise, we feel that we are not doing our parenting duty.
We live in two separate worlds. They have their “fun“ world, and we have our “work” world. Why aren’t children helping us in the kitchen or with laundry? Why don’t they tidy up their toys?
This is basic monotonous work that trains the brain to be workable and function under “boredom,” which is the same “muscle” that is required to be eventually teachable at school. When they come to school and it is time for handwriting their answer is “I can’t. It is too hard. Too boring.” Why? Because the workable “muscle” is not getting trained through endless fun.
Unfortunately, technology replaced the outdoor time. Also, technology made the parents less available to socially interact with their kids. Obviously, our kids fall behind… the babysitting gadget is not equipped to help kids develop social skills. Most successful people have great social skills. This is the priority!
The brain is just like a muscle that is trainable and re-trainable. If you want your child to be able to bike, you teach him biking skills. If you want your child to be able to wait, you need to teach him patience. If you want your child to be able to socialize, you need to teach him social skills. The same applies to all the other skills. There is no difference!
Train the Brain
You can make a difference in your child’s life by training your child’s brain so that your child will successfully function on social, emotional, and academic levels. Here is how:
“About a week ago, my daughter had started coughing and she was choking and turning blue. It was really terrible. She’d get in these coughing fits and couldn’t stop herself, couldn’t catch her breath.
When we took our 13-month-old in, the doctor asked if she was fully vaccinated. We said, yes she’s fully vaccinated. The doctor said, well she can’t have whooping cough. It’s got to be something else – bronchitis – or she just has a virus.
We took her home, but she was still coughing so we brought her back a few days later. They said, well it’s probably some sort of bacteria. Let’s try to knock it out with an antibiotic. They said if she keeps coughing, give it to her. So she kept coughing and we gave it to her.
The following Monday she was still coughing. But thank God my wife is in medical school. My wife said she’s got all the symptoms of whooping cough. We need to have them give her tests x, y, and z.
So I went into the doctor and we got the tests. Sure enough she had whooping cough. So they gave us azithromycin and told us to put her on it ASAP.
The way that this works is that azithromycin, which is the antibiotic that you use for whooping cough, it doesn’t actually get rid of the whooping cough. It minimizes the transmissibility because whooping cough is highly transmissible.
If you are in touch with somebody, if you shake hands, if you hug somebody, if you are in breathing distance of someone with whooping cough, there is a 70 to 80 percent chance, according to public health officials, that you come down with or at least become a carrier of whooping cough.
Now whooping cough isn’t going to hurt you if you’re an adult because you have high lung capacity. But if it’s an infant under a year, the death rate for whooping cough is high.
So we get the antibiotic and Saturday night we put the baby to bed and about an hour after we put her to bed, we heard her coughing. And she doesn’t just cough. If you’ve never heard whooping cough, it’s the scariest thing in the world. She starts coughing and she can’t stop.
There is no worse feeling for a parent than when your kid is sick and you can’t do anything about it. I took the baby and held her horizontally trying to get her to breath. She was coughing and coughing until she vomited. So she’s coughing, vomiting, and she can’t breathe. She’s becoming quasi-unresponsive, she’s clearly low energy and down on oxygen.
We decided to take her to the ER. She was still coughing, crying and vomiting. The nurses were trying to work with her and she was thrashing about. That’s making her cry more and the crying is making her cough and the coughing is making her vomit and the vomiting is making her not breathe.”
We didn’t go through all “TEN STEPS TO PREPARE FOR A FAST” that Victoria recommends:
Define problem areas and target goals
Get your spouse and other caregivers on board
Set a date and create a schedule
Inform relevant adults in your child’s life
Obtain toys, games, and activities to replace screen-time
Schedule breaks or treats for yourself
If possible, enlist a playmate’s parents to join you
Inform your child and involve the entire family
Perform a thorough “screen sweep”
Set your intentionMy wife and I talked for an hour on Friday night mapping out activities, games, and alternatives and how to break the news to the kids. Then, on Monday, we went cold-turkey on the ipads for both boys.
My wife and I talked for an hour on Friday night, mapping out activities, games, and alternatives, and how to break the news to the kids. Then, on Monday, we went cold-turkey on the ipads for both boys.
The Results?
After two weeks, the symptoms were gone! Now, at four months, the absence of these two “little” ipads in their lives (and ours) has been working out, splendidly.
The ipads were replaced with more outdoor time, interactions between them and with us, looking out the window on the way to school, lots of storytelling, and one thing we’ve still got to work on: watching Japanese dance videos on YouTube (via the TV).
Storytelling Design
The bromide that “Children are natural storytellers” is true, but it’s deeper than that. Children live in the story version of their lives, going in and out of what we adults would call the “real” version.
Here’s Lucas living in his story. Notice that his dad is standing six-feet away, recording him, but he takes no notice. Then, when his stuffed animal drops, he’s jarred into the “Real” life of eating his cereal.
Have you ever tried to get a yes or no answer from a child? They answer every question with a story because they’re living in one. By telling you a story, they’re not evading; they’re giving you a more complete answer.
Rory’s Story Cubes
A month after the ipads “disappeared”, I found a game that fit Victoria’s advice to replace screen-time with other activities: Rory’s Story Cubes.
They come in packs of nine cubes. The 6-sides of each cube has a picture on it of either a thing or an action (a noun or verb in adult-speak). You roll the cubes and make a story out of the ones that roll face-up.
As I was reading the box, and wondering if the game would be too much for our 4-year-old, Lucas rolled the cubes and cut me off saying, “Once upon a time …”
It was more than adorable; it was wondrous to watch his brain firing on all cylinders, reaching into the vast experiences of his four years of life experience, and telling us a story. “Can you believe this?!”, I asked my wife.
It’s not only possible; it’s their preferred means of expression. Children are designed to communicate in story. Before they have words for the things around them, before they put words together in sentences, they’re tracking the story of what’s happening to them, and around them. A few weeks after they’re born they look at you while you’re changing their diaper and you can see them taking it all in. There are no words, but they’re recording the beginnings of their own story.
The Gillespie Cubes
When playing, we give each player six cubes to roll for a new story. We have 27 cubes in all (Rory’s 9-cube starter and 9-cube action sets, 3-cube pre-historia, 3-cube sports, and 3-cube medic sets). If I was purchasing for the first time, again, I’d get this bundle:
As long as you have the self-contained 9-cube starter set there’s no wrong way to add to the set.
If you’re expecting this article to end with us going through every step of the book and living happily-ever-after, that didn’t happen. Although Victoria’s book outlines steps to reintegrate screen-time back into your child’s life in a non-destructive way, we haven’t even thought about bringing the ipads back to battery life. We’re on pause, for now, and not looking for the “play” button.
There are a few things that would make me reconsider: if the Kahn Academy greatly improves their app, or a similar life-changing technology appears on the scene. If so, we’ll make the kids earn every minute of screen-time like an allowance. Until then, we’ll stick with the best killer apps, of all: playing outdoors, talking with people, reading, and telling stories.
Grandma GG died on the twelfth day of Christmas, 2017.
In Catholic tradition, the following day is the Epiphany, the feast of the three kings, commemorating the manifestation of Christ to the Magi. So, the original “12 Days” are not a children’s memory and forfeit game turned into a Christmas carol.
And yet, when a friend reminded me of the day, the first memory I had was of Timothy and Lucas singing that song in the shower of our ski lodge hotel, over the holiday. If there’s anything more beautiful than the sound of children singing it’s the sound of my children singing.
When we drove home, Timothy had the gifts of each day of the song memorized. Then, like my father did so many times, I changed things around on them. To show the boys they’re not stuck with the official version of things, I made up new gifts for the first four days and sang a new carol.
By the time we were done, our version had 12 strummers strumming, three french breads, two lady bugs, and a fish swimming in a glass jar.
Charlie’s Option ‘C’
It was a small change to a lovely song. But, small changes like that, initiated by my father, were at the core of why he and mom lived such an extraordinary life. The conventional was just one possible starting point for my father; a brilliant engineer certain that no one had the whole game figured out. As he would often say, that made running with the herd a most dangerous proposition.
As my cousin Keith put it, if there were options A and B for everyone else, my father had an option C to consider. Tell him that there’s two sides to every coin and he’d probably smile and point out that you missed the third side. You forget about the edge. That’s technically a third side.
I can just hear him saying, “Remember, Terry, nobody’s got the whole game figured out. The instant someone tells you they do, ‘Run!’.”
And yet, for all his insights, when visiting with them in Tokyo my father said the reason they were able to travel everywhere and do such fun things was because of my mom. He just went to work every day, as usual. Mom took care of the blizzard of details it took the relocate, setup another house, figure out the local markets, and pay the bills.
The Shenanigans Continue …
The Shenanigans of the Gillespie’s, the McNally’s, and now the Arbelaez’, continue with the next generation. We sing the beautiful songs given us with the audacity to change the lyrics. The melody eventually goes, too, and the composers are forgotten. New life sings its own version of ancient songs. And nothing but the Grace of God is so assured that it should be immune from re-examination or re-canted with the joy of a personal imprint.
In Everything I Do
I must study politics and war that my sons may have liberty to study mathematics and philosophy. My sons ought to study mathematics and philosophy… in order to give their children a right to study painting, poetry, music, architecture…1
And so it was that my brother and I were able to study music and architecture. Everything I do is on the shoulders of my parents, and on my knees, for the glory of our Father in heaven. The sacrifices they made, and the small changes to the norm my dad would always make, compounded into an enveloping blanket of possibilities my brother and I had the luxury of taking for granted.
An Artful Life
Possibilities are the breeding ground of creativity. The fruit of creativity is an artful life and, hopefully, the appreciation of the liberties that make it possible.
My parents were always there to help. Only because I was so sure of that, did I rarely need it. It was a premise in our relationship and bestowed a freedom to compose an extraordinary life. May the compositions of Isabel and I be a worthy extension of their legacy.
The Highest Privilege
When friends used to ask about my childhood I didn’t know what to say. What’s the opposite of a shitty childhood? Whatever that is, that was us.
Such discussions now involve notions of privilege and what that might be. From my parents, I know the answer: the highest earthly privilege, of all, is to be born into a household with a loving father and mother.
I can’t say it enough, and can’t stop thinking it: everything I do only makes sense when viewed as an extension of them. While others may try to discard their heritage, or apologize for it, I will spend the rest of my life being thankful for, and exploring the depths of, my own.
Geraldine Marie Gillespie
An excellent wife who can find?
She is far more precious than jewels.
The heart of her husband trusts in her,
and he will have no lack of gain.
She does him good, and not harm,
all the days of her life.2
My father found this in my mother, Geraldine Marie Gillespie. And because their lives reflected its importance, I eventually found the same in Isabel. So, Isabel was the perfect one to give my mother her most favorite title of all: Grandma GG.
It was a name quickly conjured to avoid confusion with Martha, the other grandmother living in our house at the time. And, though the role of grandmother is rarely exceeded in stature or importance, it was a role my mother never expected to play. But, as I was to learn in the hours after her death, there was even more than that bundled up into Grandma GG’s favorite title.
A Catatonic Epiphany
For the last three years of her life, I’d prayed to know the purpose of my mother’s increased suffering, being confined to a bed for the past 10 years, and even losing her words.
Then, as befitting the 12th day of Christmas, I was lead on the track of a catatonic epiphany to a small group meeting at our church. Perhaps only around other believers could something as heart-warming, yet terrifying, be revealed: that my mother’s highest purposes in life were identical to her work, which was, in turn, identical to her highest calling. All three of these cherished insights lined up into one for Grandma GG. Her purposes, work, and calling were, all three, the same. They were inextricably bound up, and poured into, her three great loves: my father, my brother, and me.
The rareness of all three of these lining up —something that perhaps only a wife and mother of her time were afforded — is partly why I missed them.
A Mother’s Grief
Seen from that vantage point, it became more understandable that she had the strokes that put her in the bed shortly after my father, and then brother, died. Two-thirds of her life purposes had just left the planet. Her husband and firstborn son, were gone.
For those who haven’t walked that path, there’s no way to comprehend the loss. What I know of it are from the sounds of her weeping over my brother; cries I’d often wished could become unheard as they resonated through every dimension in a way that only a mother’s grief could.
Mom held on, in part, to save me from what she felt that day. She couldn’t bear for the same to happen to me.
A Secret Project
Maybe every child has a feeling their parents are working on a secret project that’s never revealed or talked about. You know they’re up to something; you just don’t know what it is. Then, one day, you realize that the secret project they’ve been working on, all this time, is you.
Every grocery bag, pair of sneakers, uniform, piano lesson, field trip, monthly check for Catholic school … and every drop-off and pick-up and late-night vigil waiting for you to come home, is one more stitch in the patchwork of a quilt they’re making, but don’t expect to use, for their own warmth. They’re sowing the soil, and tending to trees for decades, in hopes that it will bear the most delicious fruit the world has ever seen. And yet they’re perfectly content to die having never taken a bite.
The Unbearable Absence of Reservation
We pour ourselves out for our children, not because they’ve earned it, but because our love for them comes with an almost unbearable absence of reservation. It’s the only fitting metaphor we have of God’s love for us.
What Christ did for all, we seek to do for our children, within the realms of our limited authority: To guide them away from error and onto the path of their most complete fruition. And when they fall short, to plead forgiveness for their youthful trespasses and cancel any records of debt that might stand against them with legal demands.
Charlie’s 10% Solution
My dad said their marriage worked because he put 10% of everything he had into it. My mom wholeheartedly agreed with him on that, adding that the other 90% came from her.
A New Plague
The late 70’s were a tough time for my parent’s marriage. A new legal option of No-fault divorce was creeping across the country like a plague, leaving broken families in its wake. The machinery of separation was put into motion with a 9-syllable incantation: “ir·rec·on·cil·a·ble dif·fer·ences” were not corporate mergers gone awry, but a legal pretense for parents to live in separate houses.
Neutrality & Fairness
I remember my mom saying they couldn’t handle being Switzerland with all the couples they’d known who’d become separate and warring nations; the kids pulled around new artificial zones that, unlike the Vietnam news stories on TV, were anything but demilitarized.
So, there were arguments, and dishes thrown, and frustrations we felt, but didn’t understand. That’s how my brother and I knew that, just because we were born into it, didn’t make our parent’s marriage a guarantee.
We also learned that people playing fair with each other was a recipe for disaster; that it took a lot more than mere fairness to be happy. Only when they became resigned to giving more than received did a peace, that surpasses all understanding, come to our house.
Wedding Song
As sung in the wedding folk song, popular at the time:
Woman draws her life from man and gives it back again.
But, the circle of the exchange in those lyrics spins faster than the inputs of the wedded couple. It’s that invisible extra energy the songwriter is asking about in the question, “Do you believe in something, that you’ve never seen before?”.
Grief is the Precious, Cut Short
I’ve learned from the deaths of my immediate family that the greatest cause for grief is when something precious is cut short of its expected completeness. And though I grieve for my mother, and still for my father and brother, I’m unable to view their lives as having been cut short; each for their own reasons.
Dad’s Bucket List(s)
In a conversation with my dad, a year before he died, he told me that when he was 10-years-old he made a list of things he’d dreamed of doing. By his mid-40’s he’d gotten to the end of that list, and made another. By the time of our conversation, he said he’d checked everything off that second list, as well.
The memory of that exchange was particularly comforting when he died, unexpectedly, a year later. How could his life be viewed as having been cut short if, by his own handwritten lists, he’d completed everything he’d set out to do?
Uncle Tim
When my dad’s brother came to visit, last year, I told him that story. He said he felt the same way and that his number was 75. Seven months later, nine days after Grandma GG, my Uncle Tim met his number.
Mom’s Unexpected Life
As for my mother, she never expected to get to do most of the things she, and my father, did. She raised two boys, traveled the world, got her high school diploma (about the same time we did), worked for a while to see what that was like, learned ikebana painting with the Japanese, and played golf with my father to her hearts content in their dream home, designed by their son, on the 5th hole of a private golf course in South Carolina. All of this, with her husband who’d retired at the age of 53.
It wasn’t until after my father died that I realized that Grandma GG was another artist in the family. Her opinions on logos, and colors, and ideas for business names, were always refreshing. And the grandchildren on her lap were the vitamins she took for her last eight years.
The fullness of Grandma GG’s life is the license we have to limit our grief to that of a life, not cut short, but fully lived.
Death ≠ Life Incomplete
A life is not devoid of purpose, nor incomplete, due merely to the fact that it has ended. If that were so, there is no hope for any of us, nor has there ever been.
I know this is not so, if only because of the memories I draw from them. My father may have helped me make more decisions, after his death, than before it. And though I believe it to be a mere fractal of a larger truth, there’s an undeniable life continued, here and now, in our memories, alone.
They Don’t Feel Gone
Staring at the bed of all the photos of my family it doesn’t make sense that they’re all gone. They don’t feel gone. After another series a fleeting moments, Isabel and my photos will be added to the pile. Then, it will be Timothy and Lucas staring at our pictures with this same odd feeling.
Memory is Proof of Life
Among the dead are those whose memories and past deeds are still having more of an impact on my life, today, than anyone currently living, ever will. So, the separation of who is here, and who is gone, becomes a more ambiguous proposition with each passing year.
After all, if memory of the once living is of no importance, then why punish a murderer? The victim’s gone and justice won’t bring them back. But, murderers are punished because the living will not put their memories away. The bell of the victims life will not be un-rung. And neither will the absence of justice be forgotten, or un-factored in to the righteous behavior of the survivors.
I believe the soul is sanctified by the Holy Spirit, and continues a new life in the unseen realm, as the body falls away. Still, unbelievers can take comfort in the memories of loved ones who’ve died, and the life contained in their memory of them.
In the first few years, not a day went by without a citation of the fourth commandment, in one direction or another. We eventually got the hang of it in seeing the final years of Grandma GG’s life through. Her care was part of our purpose, while she was in the final stages of completing hers. We were like mirrors pointed at each other, each unaware of the reflections compounding into infinity.
Through the Eyes of Visitors
But, our children, and others, saw those reflections.
Every once in a while we’d get an outside perspective on our lives, through the eyes of visitors. It was like having a puppy and a friend stops by, two months later, and breaks the news to you that what you’re calling a puppy has become a dog.
As friends and family passed on condolences, one of the first things they’d say is how wonderful it was that Grandma GG spent her final years with her family.
They’re right, it was wonderful. But, it was just as wonderful to spend the long beginning of my life, with her.
End of the Rainbow
In retrospect, the struggles I had in caring for my mom were like a man complaining about a rock in his shoe while walking to the end of a rainbow. The treasure, waiting to be collected, is more than one house can hold. Part of that treasure is the proof that Grandma GG’s highest calling was met, so that even 1/3rd of its fulfillment was more than enough to reap for the care she needed.
Another part is that our boys woke up, everyday of their four and eight-year lives, with a grandparent living in the same house.
“God’s law is an unspeakably good and precious thing, and to live within it is to live the life that is eternal. To be sure, (God’s) law is not the source of rightness, but it is forever the course of rightness.3
The Potency of Holiness
Our bodies know the differences between darkness and light better than our minds. While surprised that a candle has lit up the whole gymnasium, our bodies have already started walking towards it.
Light is more than the absence of darkness. And holiness is more than the absence of sin. If sin is the drum of water we drink from, then holiness is the teaspoon of bleach that makes the whole drum potable.
Her Inheritance
My moms inheritance is in answering her highest calling. It was poured out into her three men, into her new family, and also for those who saw her race, finished well.
And like the story of the thief on the cross, who had no hope before that fateful day, may the retelling of her story inspire other families to stick together and light their own candles with the fire within. And may a spoonful of that be credited to the account of Grandma GG’s inheritance in the Kingdom of God.
In Our Muscle Memory
Grandma GG is still in our muscle memory and in the walls of the house. While writing these words, I’ve kept the room monitor on in my office in case Grandma GG needs something. Isabel and I still hear the bell she used to ring, and the pitch of her voice, calling for something. We’re still quiet on the phone so as not to wake her, and we keep feeling the need to break away from dinners with friends, because mom’s been alone for too long.
The Smirk on Lucas’ Face
Grandma GG did not abide orders or directives. There was a certain way she’d purse her lips and stare when orders were detected. That’s when you knew there wasn’t a thing in the world that could move her. You’d just settled the matter; nothing would move her until she was good and ready.
One day, while giving an order to our two-year-old, I looked over to see something that brought chills of deja’vu. Lucas had the same eyes, and curled up smirk, I’ve seen on my mothers face for fifty years. I knew immediately the battle lines were drawn, and he had the upper hand. My mother’s will-not-abide smirk had been transmuted right onto Lucas’ defiant face.
I can only imagine the deep-rooted pig-headedness originating from ancient celtic roots that is now a weapon in his arsenal. And, boy, it’s a good one. Grandma GG would love knowing that she had left her Lucas Michael, so well-armed. As foreboding a look as it is, I love seeing her smirk on Lucas’ face. Even though I know what I’m in for.
Timothy’s Willy Wonka House
“When you love someone you go to the ends of the earth for them.”
— Aunt Bernie
Timothy doesn’t have Grandma GG’s defiant smirk. What he inherited from Grandma GG is waking up for the first eight years of his life with grandparents living in the same house. He has the cookies and candy in her drawer, her birthday gifts, the coca-cola Santa Claus kisses, and grandparents’s day at school.
When watching the original Willy Wonka, Timothy saw nothing odd in all the grandparents in the bed. To him, it was a matter-of-fact depiction of the way all families live. Families take care of one another, come what may, and no one is left behind.
Conclusion
Prior to my mom’s passing, Isabel had never experienced the death of an immediate family member. Now, as a reluctant veteran, perhaps she’d agree that death, compared to life, is a simple thing.
Death doesn’t give meaning to life; it just imposes a deadline on the project to perfect the soul our bodies are bound to, for a while. The body gives out, and the soul is released, to forever be what it became under the care of our earthly stewardship.
The greatest gift of life is the chance to shape, and try to perfect, the state of our immortal souls.
May we prepare for death like a bel canto singer navigates through the passagio of the upper-middle voice; switching over to a new set of involuntary muscles so the voice may gracefully ascend into its highest range.
But, She’s Ours!
Two weeks after she died, Lucas asked, “When are they going to send Grandma GG back?”
“What do you mean, Lucas?”, Isabel asked.
“When are they going to be done working on her body … (counting on his fingers) … “1-day, 2-days, 3-days, 4-days, 5-days?”
“She’s not coming back, Lucas. We have to go see her.”
“But, she’s ours!”, he said.
Then, last week, Lucas asked the same question. When Isabel told him Grandma GG was gone he yelled, “But, she’s ours! Why can’t they fix her body and send her back?!” before crying for five minutes; an eternity for a four-your-old.
Yes, honey. She’s ours.
And we will never forget her, nor the last time we saw her, this morning as she prepared for her journey and waved goodbye and slipped the surly bonds of earth to touch the face of God.4
Songbirds, P.S.
Alright, mom. These words hardly begin to summarize your life. But, you’d be happy with a few highlights in your son’s voice. It must have been awesome to get out of that bed and stretch out into a walk!
Remember when Dad borrowed Wendell’s RV and we camped and drove across the whole country? Dad wore out those Fleetwood Mac tapes and almost killed us on the mesa verde mountain curves.
My least favorite song is the one I can’t get out of my head. It reminds me of you and dad. You guys are together, now, like you imagined for all those years watching the golf channel. Every time that bell rings it feels like you’re still here. I’m glad, we’re glad, that, “For you, there’ll be no more crying.”
For you, the sun will be shining.
And I feel that you’re with us
And It’s alright, I know it’s right.
My songbirds are singing, like they know the score.
And I love you, I love you, I love you, like never before.
My mother had two strokes leaving her unable to walk. She hates not being able to walk. A few years later her eyes glazed over with cataracts and she couldn’t see. Since she lives with us, and we see her everyday, we didn’t notice it as it happened slowly over so many months. Her eyes were a tough case but the doctors were able to fix her eyesight with an operation.
Off all her losses, by far the worst was when she lost the ability to talk. We had to use a board with letters enabling her to point to letters to slowly make a word. To say that she hated it would be glib. She was furious! Her fury turned to desperation and then to depression.
Thankfully, over the next four months, her speech was largely restored through swallowing exercises. Along with the gift of that restoration to her was a restored confidence and insight given to me about words.
As a lyricist I felt I’d reached the limits of what words can hold or convey. I’d received the Irish “gift of gab” to the extent that, when my mother and I went to Ireland and had the opportunity to kiss the Blarney stone, I declined in disgust saying, “No thanks, mom. I talk too much already. You guys make me kiss that thing and see what kind of blabbermouth you’ll get then!”
To be fair to the legend, kissing the stone purports to confer “Eloquence and persuasiveness”; much loftier and more useful gifts than mere gab. Still, I didn’t kiss that thing and don’t regret it.
While searching for a picture to portray the point of this article I found the poster for the film, “A Life without Words”. The trailer is fascinating with the film telling the story of a brother and sister in Nicaragua who are deaf and can neither speak, write, nor read until a sign language teacher comes along and teach them their first “words”.
Their father says (At 0:30 seconds on the film trailer) that, “Because they are disabled the authorities can’t touch them. They’re incomplete. The law can’t touch them.”
No Law? No Transgression!
True enough. When you have no words you can’t legally consent to contracts (That you can’t read!). As you look at the kids (Young adults, really) you can tell they’re intelligent and can think clearly even though they “have no words”. And yet, think of it from the state’s point of view: If the kids were to “sign” a contract they could always claim they had no idea what they were signing. If problems arose, later, how could one argue the point? “For the law brings wrath, but where there is no law there is no transgression.”1
Self-Defense from Psychopaths
The father’s words remind me of another story where a known criminal psychopath was able to manipulate all those around him except for those who didn’t speak his language. The criminal spoke English and was perpetrating his schemes in a Spanish speaking country. The English speakers around him were manipulated, one by one. The Spanish speakers were immune. The psychopath could not “get inside their heads” with his words. His power was neutralized. Now that’s an idea someone could write a book about!
(I didn’t emphasize this phenomenon in the book I wrote about the story. However, if you’re interested in knowing more about the exploits and damage one psychopath can do, read “The Creature from Galt’s Gulch” (Free).)
That these two groups of people “with no words” were protected from their adversaries shows the power of words from the opposite side of the usual vantage point. Without words, you can’t be mislead or fooled by them.
The truth (And law) comes to us in words and can be taken away using words. Most of our liberties are not taken but rather given away by our own consent. We consent through various contracts and sign away precious liberties. I tackle these dangers in my book, “The Outlier’s Handbook”. In short, the wise must sometimes find ways to retain the advantages of the fool.
Better than Words?
These contenders are wonderful tools that may greatly assist your communication. They’ll probably decrease the number of words you’ll need to communicate. But, they won’t eliminate the need for words, entirely.
If you hand someone a picture without saying anything they’ll just look at you with questions in their eyes. You have to write or say something to put pictures in context. The inverse is not true: If you say something to someone you don’t have to follow it with a picture of what you talked about. Pictures and the rest are great, but optional.
Here to Stay, Forever
As long as mankind is walking the planet, words are here to stay. They’re the hardest ingredient to delete with any hope of communicating fully. “Use your words.”, the teachers at my children’s school say when the kids get frustrated. Those teachers know what they’re talking about!
Blindness is a dreadful affliction as would be the loss of any of the senses or faculties. However, take away someone’s words and you rob them of the dearest part of their humanity.
Postscript: My mother lives with us, now. We talk, everyday.
The Holy Bible: English Standard Version. (2001). (Ro 4:15). Wheaton: Standard Bible Society. ↩
Learn multiple languages effortlessly in a window that closes down rapidly after the age of four.
Dr. Titzer’s contribution has been in publicizing these discoveries and putting together the materials for other parents to duplicate the stunning results with his daughters.
The program is simple. After five days on it our 16-month-old is learning . . . .something. Then again it’s hard to imagine any activity we could do together that would not lead to him learning more rapidly. Babies are expert learners and spending time with parents is a super-stimulant. That’s why I think main ingredient for the success of the program is also its weakest link: Parents. Their ability to work the program with their baby every day, twice a day.
Each of two daily sessions last 30 minutes each. To get these two sessions in with their kids parents will need to . . .
Teach Instead of Work or Rest
If one parent is home with the baby during the day then the first session will be easier to do. If not, there are three options:
Teach the first session before work.
Teach the first session at lunch.
Arrange for your daycare giver to teach the first session.
I say teach even though the instructions say you can just pop the DVD in and let the baby watch. Although our son is glued to the presentation for the first 15-minutes he needs some encouragement to finish. He’s also excited to go through the picture cards after the video and that’s parent and baby time.
I suppose you could get your daycare giver to pop a DVD in for the first session. But, you’d also want them to follow up with the cards and picture book, afterwards.
After work one of the parents will need to teach the 2nd session while the baby is alert and interested and before they’re ready for bed. So, just when parents are ready to plop down and rest after work it will be time for the 2nd session.
The sessions are relaxing and fun. The regularity, not the teaching, is the challenge. Excitement has taken us through the first week. Now, our discipline of keeping to the twice-a-day sessions will be the main factor in determining our son’s progress.
The Program May Work If the Parents Do
The people involved are more predictive of success than the method used.
Years ago, five friends and I held a “bodyfat” contest. The goal was to see who could lose the most bodyfat in three months each using their own diet and exercise program. For three months we each worked out three times a week and used a different popular diet program: Atkins, The Zone, etc..
The results? The guys who were motivated made their program work. They could have used any program and succeeded with it. And, the unmotivated guys wouldn’t have been saved by a better program.
The success of the “Your Baby Can Read” program will be determined by the parents’ work. Babies are thrilled to learn and interact and play. If the parents can manage the discipline of the regular sessions then this program will probably work.
Parent & Baby Time Equals Success
If parents can manage the twice-a-day feat of teaching their babies for an hour a day then they’ve made a breakthrough that far exceeds the results of any program. The real success is the increased time you spend with your kids. Is there anything a child won’t learn faster and better with time and attention from their parents? If not then why stop at reading?
Sure enough, there are other programs for teaching your baby Colors, Patters, Numbers, Shapes, Prepositions, Four additional languages and a more advanced reading program.
Is Faster and Better Optimal?
Whether faster and better is Optimal is a different question. For most subjects the answer is probably yes. However, big steps forward come with costs and considerations. When it comes to reading at an early age Bill Sardi points out the link between reading and myopia that occurs with people and cultures focused on literacy.
Advanced Problems
Whoever discovers treasure has to figure out where to put it and how to use it. If TV and video games were replaced with Shakespeare would all children be myopic? Every advance leads to advanced problems. Something that looks like a step forward may not be.
The ability to read is a mandatory skill. Reading earlier advances the problems of eye care sooner into a child’s life. Bill Sardi recommends vitamin C & D, calcium, copper, sunlight, holding books more than 12 inches from the eye, and focusing on distant objects. We’re lucky to have Bill’s advice at the same time we’re teaching our son to read.
What about issues that would stem from other forms of child advancement: Skipping grades, advanced homeschooling, socialization, early graduation? Dr. Titzer refers to some of these issues as well as the achievement gap between early readers and later readers increasing over time (a.k.a. the “Mathew Effect” where the rich get richer and the poor get poorer).
Titzer says grade skipping, socialization and achievement gaps have been easily dealt with in his daughters progress. I would imagine the problems of achievement are tiny compared with non-achievement. As one of my favorite bumper stickers says, “If you think education is expensive, try ignorance”.
Early Training for an Optimal Life
This program is our first baby step towards homeschooling. If it leads to some kind of gap between our son and his peers then I’ll consider it early training for his Optimal Life.
Even with adults the earlier one starts on a path towards optimal the more unmeasureable their life is against traditional yardsticks. We live in a world that measures the multiple dimensions of intelligence with an integer. Sorry, but after you tell me what your IQ is I’ll still know very little about your intelligence.
I was Mr. Mom the last two weeks for our 11 month old. His grandparents, who usually take care of him during the day, went on vacation. My wife works away from home. I work, too. . . from home. That put me in charge of the day care.
By our third day, together, I was able to figure out what he wanted when he whined or cried. By the fourth day his whimpering stopped because he had what he needed before having to cry about it. Taking care of him was a lot easier than I expected. Sure, he needs lots of attention, but, it was nothing like the awful stories I’ve been hearing all my life. I began to think about why babies have a reputation for being so difficult. And, what’s making it easier for us?
I’m no more a baby expert than any parent. What I’m listing, here, are seven reasons why I think we’re having an easier time with our baby than the stories you’ll hear ‘out there‘. Six of them the parents can control. The last one is luck of the draw:
Schedule
Routines
Company
No Vaccines
Balanced Meals
Vitamins
Disposition
(Note: This article was written in 2009. We’ve since had our second baby who was only a dream when writing this article. One thing that stands out, now, is the implication that a baby crying is, somehow, a disaster–or proof positive of a problem– that must be “solved”. Of course, it could be just that as crying is one of the few ways a baby can communicate . . . anything. What I left out, in my new-father haste to “solve the problem”, was the sheer joy of a baby crying when you “just know” there’s nothing seriously wrong. That’s why I chose the picture for the article of both a man and baby crying with mom laughing: It’s a more accurate portrayal of the wonder and beauty of this time in a family’s life. I don’t want to live in a world where baby’s don’t cry nor do I mean to contribute to such a world through any words that I may write. What I do want to share with potential new parents is how much easier, and lovely, it is to care for a crying baby than what you may have been told. That’s something I never knew, in large part, because the parents I might have learned from didn’t say. If silence is the worst mistake then I pray the Lord keep me from making it and keep it short and sweet it the process.)
Schedule
Timothy’s on a loose schedule for the entire day. It’s specific in content and sequence. It’s flexible in start time with naps and bottles dropping off depending on his mood and other activities:
Wake up and Bottle – Whey protein (No cows milk) With Vitamins and Fatty Acids.
Play or sleep until . . .
Breakfeast – oatmeal with a scoop of stomach flora
Bath and Change Clothes
Ride in Toy Car around the block
Play, Bottle then Nap
Lunch
Play, Bottle then Nap
Dinner
Play
Bottle (with cereal) then off to bed.
This is easier than it looks. The start times shift up to an hour though always in the same sequence. There’s many benefits for him (And for me, these last two weeks) in being on a schedule like this:
Predictability – The baby knows what to expect and so do we. Neither of us is surprised by bath time or when its time to take a knap. The baby begins to expect to receive all the things he needs at a certain time. It becomes easy to figure out what he may be missing if he does start to whine or cry. In other words, it makes the process of elimination for why he’s crying very simple.
Planning – All of us know what is happening and when, including the baby. We can plan the times for phone calls, shopping for items needed, visits from friends, working out at the gym or whatever else is going on in our non-baby life.
Comforting – It seems to me the schedule removes a certain anxiety from the baby’s mood. His emotions and metabolism ebb and flow as the schedule unfolds. He knows that everything he needs is going to be given to him when its time to be given. And it was comforting for me to know that I was doing everything necessary for him and not leaving anything out.
Ease of Transition to Backup Caretaker – This is an awesome benefit! It made it very easy for me to step in as primary caretaker. Timothy’s schedule didn’t change at all when grandmom and grandpop went on vacation. I was clumsy, at first, but knew what and when to do everything and was certain nothing was being left out because of the schedule they gave me. When he cried in the first three days it was because I was not getting him to the next item on his schedule in time or he wanted a bottle instead of a nap, or, vice versa.
Routines
Everything on and off his schedule unfolds in a predictable way:
When he’s watching a cartoon he’s sitting in his chair and hears the sound of us in the kitchen making his lunch.
He knows its time to take a nap when we’re lying next to him after his morning bottle.
He knows he’s going for a car ride when the dog starts barking and we get his toy car ready.
This is real SuperNanny stuff, I know. But, we’re planning on having a second child and I think schedules and routines are going to be key in managing our lives. I also think they’re going to be key in having less babies crying for seemingly no reason. And if they cry, we’ll have good clues as to why.
Company
Not having company makes Timothy cry.
Other than when he’s sleeping he wants company at all times. This will probably change in a few years as he starts reading or playing with more educational toys. But, for now, he wants someone with him at all times. You don’t have to be looking at him or directly interacting with him. You just have to be there with him in the same room.
BTW, Isabel gets a special mention in this category: We get a little crying when switching company from mom to dad and just laughing when switching back to mom. Do we have a mama’s boy issue, here? Mmmmmmmm. Not sure. It only lasts about 45 seconds. We’ll see.
No Vaccines
I think we have a much easier time with Timothy because he wasn’t vaccinated. When he cries its for one of six reasons (See Conclusion, below). He’s not in a constant state of recovery from the three dozen antigens he would have gotten by now. That’s 36 less things to cry about.
For a thorough explanation of why we chose not to vaccinate see my article, Vaccines For My Baby. It was not an easy choice, our first pediatrician ‘fired’ us and it’s been the subject of many discussions. But, I do think it was the right choice and part of that is evident in Timothy’s lack of crying for ‘mysterious’ reasons.
I may be wrong, but, I suspect the reason babies have a reputation for endless and inexplicable crying is because of the dramatic rise in vaccines given to them since 1982. If you’ve got the other six items in this article under control then vaccines may be the crying culprit.
What a tragedy it would be if less people have babies because vaccines make them cry too much. New parents tell would-be parents their nightmarish stories and the endless patience needed to withstand constant crying. The would-be parents don’t have superhuman patience so opt out of having children, at all.
All I’ll say here is that vaccines are not needed to achieve immunization to the diseases for which they’re given. In most cases the fine print actually says that immunization is not guaranteed by the vaccine. The only thing that can guarantee protection from the world’s millions of diseases is the babies’ immune system — the very thing vaccines tend to destroy, not boost.
Balanced Meals
I get grumpy and grouchy when I eat the wrong foods. If I was a baby that would probably take the form of crying. I think its reasonable to say that a baby cries less on a balanced diet. Or, to put it another way: An unbalanced diet is unlikely to lead to less crying.
Blood sugar regulation is key to mood leveling. We’ve taken pains to remove high-glycemic food from our son’s diet. His diet is about 30-40-30 protien-carbs-fats with the carbs being all vegetables and fruits. His bottle is the closest to breast milk in content we could find with no cow’s milk (Whey protein, instead).
From what we’ve seen this seems to be a very balanced diet for him. It levels his blood sugar, keeps him satisfied until the next mealtime and his energy spikes are smooth and natural with no crashing in between.
Vitamins
What’s the opposite of a vaccine? Nutrition that assists rather than destroys your immune system. Vitamins, minerals and fatty acids are all added to Timothy’s morning bottle.
We give him extra vitamin D because babies get much less sun than toddlers. We also give him a baby appropriate liquid multi-vitamin, fatty acids and add a small scoop of beneficial bacteria for his stomach to his morning cereal.
All of this was recommended by our son’s doctor who is a naturopath. The stomach flora is recommended for babies who were breastfed for less than 6 months. The added vitamins are to supplement a babies diet since newborns are not eating a wide variety of food, yet. Bacteria in the stomach enables easier digestion: One less thing to cry about.
Disposition
This one’s luck of the draw.
Most of the parents I’ve talk with say their baby had a definite disposition from the moment they were born. That’s been true for us, as well.
I hear the term ‘colicky’ to describe a baby that cries all the time. Colic is a term for anything that causes abdominal pain in horses (And now babies, too). I’m not sure if this is 100% disposition. It could be one of the other 6 items in this article because the term ‘colicky’ is so broadly used.
I’ll know more about this after we have baby #2. For now I would just say that we did not draw the short straw on this one (Thank God).
Conclusion
Our baby cries for six reasons:
Hungry
Tired
Dirty – Needs diaper change
Company
Pain – Bumps himself while playing
Toy – Got pushed under the furniture or he wants one.
It’s worth saying that these are the only reasons he cries. I wish somebody gave me this list when I was deciding on having children. It’s a much shorter list than I was led to believe by rumours, magazine articles and stories floating around ‘out there’.
Addressing the six things that make our baby cry doesn’t require superhuman patience. It requires a simple rem edy to a short list of causes.
We didn’t draw the short straw on disposition, this time. If Baby #2 is ‘colicky’ at least we’ll have strategies in our control to minimize babys’ (And parents’) crying.
I’m grateful to my wife, mother and father-in-law for putting so many things in place that serve Timothy’s needs before he has to cry about them. He has a schedule, routines, company, is not vaccinated, has balanced meals, gets good nutrition and there is no mysterious or endless crying. None of these things are a big deal, alone. It is a very big deal, however, when they come together and make for a happy baby and a peaceful house.
It’s been 13 months since we moved my mother in to live with us. She was in a nursing home and it was time to get her out of there. Just prior, my mother and father-in-law moved in to live with us, as well. Five months later Timothy, our first child, was born.
That’s five adults, one baby and two dogs spread accross 4 generations; all living under one roof.
Our house was large enough, we had a baby on the way, needed help taking care of my mother and my in-laws were looking for a way to decrease their expenses and take life a little easier. For more background on the decision and the story of moving in together see Why I Live With My In-Laws.
This is an update to that article.
How’s It Going? – Bottom Line
Extremely well, with unexpected benefits and problems and ways to handle each.
Unexpected Benefits
Part of the ‘unexpected’ benefits are how much I didn’t expect to appreciate the benefits listed in my previous article as much as I do. Division of labor, economies of scale, precious time with family, help with mom. It’s one thing to think about these things and its quite another to experience them in your everyday life.
Grandparents for Timothy
This was just an idea last year when everyone moved in. Now, its real. The reality of having Timothy, Martha, Fabio and my mom together in the same house is truly priceless. There’s only three people on the planet that love Timothy as much as Isabel and I do. Having them all under one roof is a daily unfolding wonder and blessing. Even now I may not fully appreciate all the aspects and advantages to Timothy, and all of us.
And the babysitting? Are you kidding me? Who ya gonna call? Isabel and I haven’t had to contemplate the tradeoffs, risks and worries of leaving Timothy with a stranger as we run errands or just want to spend some alone time, together.
This is way beyond money.
Productivity at Home
I work at home. With an 8 month old baby it’s a miracle I can be so productive out of a home office. Sure, we could drop Timothy off at day care. He spends all day with his grandparents and me in what has to be the ideal environment. Even if we incurred the cost, risk and effort to leave Timothy at day care it would be a downgrade in the quality of his life and ours.
Daughter and Father
Isabel and Fabio have a similar temperament: They’re both quick to react and quick to wind down. At first, we all thought they’d be arguing with each other since they’re so similar. Nope. Turns out they’re so in tune with each other that things get resolved almost before they happen.
Daughter and Mother
Isabel and Martha don’t have the same tempermant. But, they are both very feminine and give ideas to each other in a non-competitive way. They may not admit this but I think they motivate each other to do more.
In other words, they both do more than they would without each other.
Mother-in-Law and Son-in-Law (Me)
Martha and I both tend to “Work behind the scenes” to accomplish our goals. Now we conspire with each other for the same purpose.
Nerve Center for Family
With five (Instead of two) adults in the same house its easier to keep in touch with extended family members and friends. That’s more connection for less effort. Since these are people we love and care about that is a very good thing.
All of us enjoy having guests. We have more guests because there are more people to visit. And, we enjoy them more because we’re all pitching in to entertain.
As a single man until the age of 44 I traveled for Christmas 20 years in a row. Now, I’m thrilled to have most of the family here and pass the travel burden onto the remaining single members of the family or those looking to take a break in wine country.
Circular Benefits
Everything that benefits one of us loops back around to benefit all of us. Here are some examples of how this plays out:
My productivity at home leads to peace of mind and more abundance brought into our house. That peace of mind is felt by Timothy and sets an example for him that its possible to live a great life and not be stressed out all the time. More abundance leads to the ability to sustain our lifestyle.
Isabel is freed up from most of the conventional tasks on a new mother’s list. The way I put it is, by the time her alarm clock rings in the morning, she has accomplished more than most new mothers can in two days.
We purchased reclining couches for the living room to make it more comfortable to watch TV. That lead to ‘movie night’ Fridays. Movie night is a great excuse for everyone to spend time together. It also saves on the $150 it would cost for all four of us to go to the movie theatre after coke, popcorn, babysitting and who knows what else.
Unexpected Problems
And what about me and my new in-laws? Most people have trouble even with roomates. How about living with two new roomates you’re just getting to know? There had to be problems and arguments and blow-ups, don’t you think?
Not really. Sure, we’ve had our misunderstandings while getting to know each other, but, nothing more. Once you translate the culture and language our underlying goals are so united there’s nothing to argue about.
The real surprise was watching Fabio and Martha go through the adjustment of living with each other while spending the whole day together. They’d raised two kids and been married for 30 years, but, had never spent as much daily time together as when they moved in with us.
Trash
We do more shopping online, nowadays. Things that would normally come together in a bag get delivered separately in a box. That brings more boxes into the house. With baby showers, birthdays, more guests, medical supplies and holidays we have a lot of trash!
I’m bad about remembering trash day. That’s a disaster with six people in the house. One false move and we’ll never catch up without a trip to the dump.
Fabio has taken to overseeing our trash situation. Believe me, when I wake up on Friday morning and don’t have to panic at the sound of the garbage trucks I’m very grateful.
Space & House Layout
More people means more guests. Guests need a place to stay. Our only ‘spare’ room was my office. So, whenever we had guests I had to give up my office. Sure, I could use the computer during the day, but, at least half of my productivity happens at night after everyone is asleep.
Guests were’nt the only reason for a new home office. The only room that could hold my filing cabinets, computer, books, reference materials and have room for a meeting with another person was my first office. That was also the only downstairs room available for my mom. As it turned out, using the last remaining bedroom upstairs didn’t work for several reasons:
When guests came I lost night-time use of the office. For me that was about half of my productivity.
The room was not really all mine. Isabel kept her office books, cabinets, lights and reference materials in the room. The closet was half full of her stuff and the other half was an overflow closet used by Martha.
My office was half upstairs and half downstairs. I had to go up and down the stairs three times just to stage the items needed to work on a project. Any doorbell ring or need for additional materials would send me upstairs and downstairs, yet again.
And so . . .
The Man Cave is Born
What this all lead to was the need to create another room in the house. The optimal room would be:
Downstairs.
Big enough for all the ‘tools’ for my work.
Not infringe on another mandatory use of space.
Accessible, but not too accessible to the daily activities of the house.
And so, my friend David and carved out 1/3 of our 3-car garage and made it into an office. It took 2.5 months of back-breaking work. Frankly, it was a study in the drawbacks and benefits of working on only one goal and ignoring all others. One day I’ll write an article on whether or not that’s the optimal approach.
Although I had designed an addition to the house that would have been perfect it was just too expensive to build considering all the other purchases I was making to make sure we’d make it through this terrible downturn in the economy.
Person by Person
In my first article I said there had to be something in it for everyone for the whole multi-generational living to work. Now that we’ve been together 13 months let’s go person by person and look at how its been for each one of us.
Mom
The joy on my mom’s face when she see’s Timothy (Every day) says it all.
On her second trip to the doctor, four months after moving in, he couldn’t believe how much she had improved. And that was before Timothy was born. We have lunch every day together and sometimes even a party on the patio. Timothy looks over and screams when mom waves at him and that’s a great ‘conversation’ to watch.
My mom’s health is not well and she doesn’t always cooperate with Martha when its time to do her exercises. However, I have my doubts that she’d be with us, at all, if it weren’t for the comfort and care she receieves by living with us.
Martha
Martha is obviously happy and also a bit restless. She’s taken on another child to take care of during the day for extra income and earns every penny of it.
Fabio
Fabio loves being at home. Later, he’ll probably need to get out more. But, for now there’s plenty going on in the house to entertain.
Timothy
Timothy gets parents who are smiling and not stressed out. He has the priceless attention and love of his grandparents. He feels the support of living in a home where everyone is looking out for each other and gets far more interaction than would be possible in daycare.
He’s learning Spanish as his first language and will pick up english like a sponge when it’s time. He might even be ready to learn a third by the time most students are deciding on a second.
Isabel
Before Isabel’s alarm clock goes off in the morning she’s gotten more ‘done’ than most mothers could in three days. That’s because most of what needs to be done around the house is split between myself, Fabio, Martha or other Martha (Who comes to clean house three times a month).
“People like doing things for me.”, she says. As a smart husband I won’t touch that statement.
Me
When I was single just thinking about living like this would have been like thinking about walking on the moon. Even now its an unfolding mystery. I’m suprised to find very little on the internet written about the subject coming from Americans. For economic reasons I predict that’s going to change.
Ironically, being willing to give up the freedom I had when I was single has been the very means of becoming more free than I’ve ever felt in my life.
I’m surprised the whole arrangement goes as well as it does.
What Happens Around Here
Here’s some things that happen around here:
Almuerzo – Spanish for “Lunch”. Everyday at 12pm prepared by Fabio. You know its happening when the intercom rings.
Movie Night – We bought special couches that recline so up to 6 people can recline in comfort. I figure every movie saves us $150 though saving money wasn’t the motivation.
Boys Day / Girls Day – With lots of people around this need becomes obvious. The girls want to do their thing without prying eyes. The boys want to do their thing without hearing comments.
Everybody’s Got Their Secret Stash
Martha has her sweets, mom’s got her cookies, Fabio has his whisky and I have my figs and wine. Isabel doesn’t have to keep a stash because Fabio keeps it for her for. Or maybe she’s just better at keeping secrets than we are.
What Our Friends Said?
Last month our friends and family told us they gave us two months, tops.
Can you blame them? What odds do you give someone bungy jumping from a helicopter?
And this article is not a, “See?, We TOLD you it would work!” I can’t do that because the lifestyle is an unfolding mystery. I can tell you the benefits and drawbacks in retrospect, but, the future is not predictable.
One of my favorite comments was, “If we predict failure we only have to be right once. For you to pronounce success you have to be right 24 hours a day, forever”. That’s only true if we took some kind of club oath. I’d say being happy for a solid year counts for a good measure of success.
Hernan (Fabio’s brother) thanked Fabio, not me, for his hospitality for a 2 week stay at the house. It occured to me, that night, that it was a sign of the success of living together. It’s not really my house, anymore. Its “our” house.
The things I have are just things I’m using while I’m alive. They don’t seem like mine, really. They’re just things and tools and materials. Now the house has become just another tool to get a job done.
Coverage
One of my favorite benefits is coverage. Here’s some examples:
If I need to run an errand I have coverage for Timothy and mom’s care.
If Isabel needs to work late she has coverage for Timothy. Tasks she ‘meant’ to get done that night can be delegated to us and she’ll probably have dinner waiting for her when she gets home.
If Fabio wants to go to Colombia for a few weeks he can pack a few things and go. He can easily plug back into his routine upon return.
If Martha needs the afternoon to go the doctor there’s not much planning needed for Fabio and I to cover for her.
The real value of coverage is that it is general and flexible. As things come up for each of us we know others are there to cover for us. Its a general comfort that becomes specific as life events unfold.
BBQs
I love BBQ’s. With more people and guests there are more excuses to have one. There’s also more oppurtunity to combine events like birthdays and anniversaries.
Cadence of the Day
Our days unfold with a cadence that marks time and gives things to look forward to. I know for sure this doesn’t happen when you’re single.
The Future
Fabio and Martha have considered selling their home in Orlando and probably would if the market allows.
If we have a second child the guest room goes to the baby. Even with the garage office I built to free up an official guest room we’ll be left with no spare rooms.
A prolonged recession in the US is now guaranteed. That makes our living situation even more beneficial. Perhaps these articles will be helpful to more Americans as they contemplate throwing in, together.
Insurance companies refuse to insure medical professionals who inject it.
The companies making it have insisted the government grant them total liability protection for any complications resulting from it.
One of the known ingredients in multidose vials is mercury.
It will not be ready in time to be tested in any scientific way.
The trials that have been conducted have not been performed with the same vaccine that will be given to the public.
The H1N1 strain for which it has been prepared has already mutated so that the ‘vaccine’ can not possibly help your immune system with the old original H1N1 strain which is now gone.
Last, but, not least: When a similar vaccination program was undertaken in 1976 it killed 250 people and left an enormous number of neurologically damaged and crippled while creating a brand new “Made in USA” autoimmune disease called Guillain-Barre Syndrome (GBS).
Ok, that’s my list, against, written as a concerned parent. Buckle up your seatbelts for 18 more from a truly thorough full-time health advocate, Bill Sardi. Then come back to put this insanity in perspective on what this artificial crisis is really about, if you’ve got the time.
Why would anyone take this shot?
Simple:
Few people have the time or desire to research these things.
Reading medical research documents is hardly the preferred way to relax after a hard days work.
The CDC says it will save us though offers zero evidence to back up their evasive recommendations.
So, in the end people just go with their doctors’ recommendation (Who is probably not going to take it, themselves).
To make matters far worse you have states like Massachusetts trying to pass a law that will fine people $1000 per day or 30 days in jail for not taking the shot. Given that the ingredients are not even known what exactly is this law even based on? We know congress doesn’t read the laws they pass, but, this takes it to a new level of incompetence.
Don’t Take My Word for It
In his latest Newsletter Russell L. Blaylock, M.D. says:
“Right now, the government is working hard to implement a draconian program to vaccinate the population by force. This is an absolutely insane idea. If they mandate that all Americans be vaccinated, I predict that we will see an unprecedented number of vaccine-related deaths (as many as 250 died during the 1976 vaccine fiasco) and an enormous number of neurologically damaged and crippled people. The vaccine tested for safety before the 1976 scare was not the one used — the actual vaccine given to the public was untested. We may be seeing the same thing again. I suspect that the dangerous MF-59 adjuvant (squalene) will not be in the vaccine used for the test, but will be in the one given to the public. MF-59 is an immune-boosting additive that has been associated with severe autoimmune diseases,such as Lupus and multiple sclerosis-like disorders. There is a potential for millions of people to be crippled by these vaccine-induced diseases. As for the flu itself, at the time of this writing it is considered to be a low virulent virus — meaning that it is no worse than any other flu in the recent past. Those who are dying are not dying from the virus itself, but from a cytokine storm. Their bodies’ reaction to the virus is what is actually killing them. It was recently reported that smokers were found to have an intense inflammatory reaction deep within their lungs when exposed to the flu virus. One wonders how many of those who died were smokers or had immune disorders, but the CDC is keeping silent.”
“The 1976 swine flu fiasco began when a single soldier died from the flu at Fort Dix. He was infected along with five other soldiers, but he decided to go on a forced march even though he was sick. A person can die from a common cold if forced to march — I know because I used to see these soldiers when I was in the service. The other soldiers were tested and found to have a common strain of flu. The CDC analyzed the blood of the soldier who died and announced he had the swine flu strain. The news triggered a panic. The public was not told that a sergeant gave the soldier mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, but did not contract the flu. I suspect that the CDC mistyped the virus. Here we go again!”
Spermicide, Cleaners, and Cosmetics along with Thimerosal and Squalene Found in Experimental H1N1 Vaccine
I can’t claim credit for the idea that my father and mother-in-law move in with us. Or that we move my mom from her nursing home into my office. . . .
. . . .Because that would be five people and two dogs in the same house with a baby on the way!
Oh, no. It was my optimal Wife that came up with this masterpiece. She saw the mounting nursing home bills, knew a baby was coming and swung into action. By the time she was finished laying it all out, one night after work, she had a way to upgrade all of our lives. And that upgrade goes double for her. But, what can I say? It was her idea.
Her radical plan was to have us all living together. We would divide up tasks according to our abilities, split costs where we could, spend time together, help her parents ramp down from a lifetime of work and bridge the 3000 mile distance between our baby and its grandparents.
She was proposing we live like a family. A multi-generational family.
It was outrageous!
The American Way?
Why wasn’t this anti-radical vision my idea?
Because I grew up in Florida in the late 70’s/early 80’s. A period in American history when we were doing all we could to make ourselves into personal sovereign nations.
Families were relocate-able units set up to follow the money wherever it lead. Women’s lib ‘freed up’ mom to go to work. Dads were encouraged to do whatever to ‘find themselves’. And the kids watched Miami Vice and thought the drug dealers were way better off than Crockett and Tubbs. The only question was how we were gonna get one of those Ferrari’s and live in a mansion in Miami without getting arrested?
Family. Aren’t those the people you live with until you get a job? Everyone knows the goal is to decrease the number of generations in one house from two to one!
Not so fast.
What was left over from mom’s check after taxes barely paid for babysitting and Friday night pizza. Dad got sick of microwaved hot dogs and found out how much better life was with mom around. Mom didn’t like office politics. And my brother and I were hard pressed to improve on my father’s job, which he loved. We were living pretty well and dad
still managed to retire at 52.
Panic
But, what’s happening here? Isabel and I have only been married for 16 months and we’ll never be alone in the house together again for at least 18 years or more! How could we stand that? Doesn’t everybody feel on top of each other? Who pays for all the food, mortgage, utilities, cable and what about all the potential noise and distractions all the time of everyone in the kitchen?
The Decision
Most of what makes life good or bad is set by five decisions or less.
Make them well and you eliminate 95% of the life’s friction. Make them badly and you’re plagued with problems that aren’t even solvable. This was one of those decisions.
For all my talk about optimizing everything and making balanced decisions from every vantage point my wife just fell asleep with a problem and woke up with the solution. But, Making the final decision gave me a headache for the next three weeks.
If I list everything that concerned me over living as a multi-generational household it would be the length of the phone book. Everything is affected by a decision like this.
Take the big things like space, time, money, personalities, family, daily activities, food, alone time and noise. Then imagine how each one affects the others on the list. Then factor in that we’ve only been married for 16-months. Add in that we would be taking on the full-time care of my mom who had two strokes, last year. And don’t think too much about that baby on the way or you might go a little nuts.
“Don’t make such a big deal about it.”, Isabel said.
First of all, you can’t get all the facts to make a decision like this. The permutations are not computable because you don’t have solid data for input. Its all anecdotal evidence from people you don’t know. How do I know these people share my values and preferences?
In the end, I used three tools to help make the decision: A mind map, a stop-loss provision and a leap of faith.
On the mind map I listed out every concern that came to mind. I drew lines connecting every box that affected the others (There were a lot of lines). I googled as much as I could to get other peoples’ experience. I tried to come up with a creative solution to anything that still caused concern. Then I slept on it, woke up, and did the same thing again. For Three weeks.
After all that I was ready to consult my newly informed intuition.
The result? Few problems that couldn’t be worked out. Everything depended on the personalities and character of the people involved. And these were unknowns in the circumstances under consideration because none of us had had lived this way before.
Several times in our brief marriage I asked my wife to have faith in something I felt strongly about and she went along. Things turned out as predicted and I’d like to think she’s more comfortable with my judgment. Now the shoe was on the other foot and she was asking me to have faith in her instincts. You might say, I owed her one.
You might also say there’s no way to eliminate the “Leap of Faith” aspect to a decision like this. But, her certainty did make the leap easier.
OK, so it might work. But, what if we’re wrong? Is there any way out?
To feel more comfortable in taking the first steps we put a few stop-loss provisions in place:
Fabio and Martha rented their house in Florida rather than sell it.
I made a two-year commitment to see if it would work.
I designed an addition to the house in case we didn’t have enough space.
With the mind map to mentally sort through the details, the leap of faith I owed Isabel and the above stop-loss provisions there were no excuses left to postpone the decision.
I was satisfied the downside to giving it a try had been minimized.
Moving In
Martha
Martha came first. She put in her notice to St. John’s, put on a baby shower for us and said her goodbyes to all her friends in Orlando. She was getting out of retail at the perfect time. She had been on her feet for 20 years and it was time to take a break and be with her daughter and grandchild-to-be.
In the weeks leading up to her arrival the boxes trickled in at the front door and were hauled up to the jungle, our safari theme guest room, one-by-one. If there was a time of nervousness for me it was watching the boxes arrive and wondering what we were getting ourselves into.
Martha is only 11 years older than me and only 3 years older than my friend, David, so there is no generation gap to speak of. When she arrived it was more like greeting a friend than a mother-in-law. It felt like a friend was spending a few weeks with us.
Mom
We had to get training to learn how to take care of my mom. They taught us how to transfer her from the bed to the chair, from the chair to the shower, how to prepare food and ways to help her do exercises. There was also a strict drug regimen that took some getting used to. Support equipment trickled in from the UPS guy. Stuff like wheelchairs, a shower chair, transfer poles and oxygen bottles were arriving every other day.
Then it was time to move my mom into the house. The actual move was the last step in a long project, beyond the scope of this article. It was quite a balancing act to prepare for her full-time care because she’s confined to a wheelchair and needs quite a range of care and attention. Martha took the sting out of all if this and everything went smoothly mostly because of her.
Mom was thrilled in a hundred different ways to be living at home.
After about two months of adjustments and many sessions with physical and occupational therapists we started to get the hang of the work involved. There were lots of medicare forms to sign and equipment to set up. Isabel set up all moms prescriptions to be automatically filled every quarter by just logging on and checking what we were running out of.
Fabio
My mom and Martha were here for about two months before Fabio came. By that time we had most things worked out and running smoothly.
Fabio gave a 45-day notice to the law firm he was working for. Along notice because he was working for his nephew Rodrigo and there was a lot of planning needed for a smooth transition.
When he arrived the house felt more balanced. I didn’t realize the balance had shifted so much to the feminine until he swayed it back to neutral.
Fabio’s first adjustment was what to do when the phone doesn’t ring. Back in Orlando he was getting ten calls an hour on the job. Now there was only the sound of the breeze on the patio, the geese flying overhead and the TV if he turned it on.
It wasn’t long before Fabio’s talents as a chef were put into swing when six cousins came to visit for a week. That brought the total in the house up to eleven for the week!
How’s It Workin’ Out?
After four months it’s working out better than my wife expected with advantages I didn’t expect.
Space
We dodged the bullet on space issues by having a larger house from the start.
We saw 76 houses before choosing this one. Our goal was to avoid having to move again before our kids went to college. The most obvious weakness would have been lack of space and 3049 square feet has been enough. More importantly, the layout is efficient, functional areas are separated and it handles people well. Hallelujah!
Bedrooms
Four of the five bedrooms are taken. The last one is ready for the baby coming next week. Since all kids get their own bedrooms, nowadays, we won’t have space issues until a second child comes along.
Alone Time
Alone time is more than having your own room. We have four options that can be used by anyone in the house:
The living room is off by itself.
The patio.
The outside front of the house on the “Silla de Navidad” or Christmas Chair.
On the golf course trails.
These areas don’t have doors. However, it’s not easy to find you unless you know where to look.
Guests
When guests come the blow-up beds from Costco come out and go into my office or one of the common areas. My office is perfect for that and the common areas feel like you have your own room.
I think its a waste of house to have rooms set aside only for guests. Many people think guest only rooms are mandatory. I think the mandatory rooms are for people who live in the house. I have no problem giving up my bedroom for a guest and can easily blow-up a bed and sleep in my office for a few days.
Noise
Noise has not been a problem other than my reluctance to sing loudly and write songs when people are around. As a musician I’m sensitive to noise. If its not a problem for me then it probably won’t be a problem for someone else.
Sometimes its hard to watch TV in the family room as people accumulate in the kitchen. But, we have one of those large family rooms connected to a large kitchen. What else would you expect with a room design like that?
If anyone really wants to watch something they go to their own rooms where there’s no interruptions. I’d rather have the family room/kitchen combination because its where everyone hangs out.
Expenses
Household expenses are about 10% higher in the form of electricity, cable, water and gas. We split food, so, food remains the same. You could look at the cost increase in three different ways:
It’s 10% more expensive.
That the incremental cost per person added is low.
That with a 10% increase overall expenses will still be much lower because more people are splitting all costs.
#1 and #2 are self-explanatory.
If you computed #3 by dividing all costs by five it would be a lot of money saved. But, we don’t do that for the same reason most people probably won’t: Money is only one way to keep track of contribution to a household
In our case Fabio and Martha make it more feasible to take on the full-time care of my mom. If mom is living here we save on paying a nursing home. Saving that expense frees up money to pay other expenses and improves the quality of all our lives, my mom’s most of all.
Fabio and Martha rent their house in Florida which pays for their house expenses. They have no house expenses here so can more easily cover bills like health insurance, gas, cell phone., etc.
Our costs have risen by 10% but we had to pay 90% of those costs, anyway. The more economies of scale and division of labor benefits (See below) that occur the more the additional 10% returns.
I think of it like the difference between buying one meal at a restaurant and eating at a buffet. You pay a little more for the buffet, but, the variety and quality of your meal is improved.
Economies of Scale
We can prepare a meal for five people as easily as two. And by scaling the same ingredients to a recipe the leftovers can last for several meals.
The Same goes for grocery shopping. One trip to the grocery store is taken to shop for five people instead of two. The gas, time and effort is the same while the people it serves is more than double. And we can buy the large cans at Costco making the food cheaper by the once. When the cans are opened they’re less likely to spoil and that means less waste.
Isabel and I each have an SUV. Fabio and Martha have a sedan. Since Isabel is the only person who commutes to work she switched to the sedan and her commuting costs were cut in half. Fabio and Martha can use the SUV around town which requires less mileage and gas on the larger car.
Some things are better, but not cheaper. A bachelor has little incentive to cook for himself, but a family almost always does. That leads to more cooked meals which are more nutritional than foraging out of the pantry.
Division of Labor
There are four people instead of two to manage chores or maintenance around the house. We also get the advantages of four people’s strengths instead of two. A task we have equal ability to perform can be rotated. The result is that the house runs smoother with less effort from any one person.
There’s also less stress. We have natural backup for the everyday overhead of living. Anything from a 2-hour trip to the grocery store to answering the door for the UPS guy.
This may seem trivial but it adds up. For me, its led to more work time and less distractions to write articles such as the one you’re reading.
To get an idea how the time and effort saved adds up look at the following list and add up the time you would save if you only had to perform the task every third time it was needed:
Grocery Shopping
Running Errands
Mailing Packages
Answering the Door
Washing Dishes
Screening Telemarketing Calls
Washing Clothes
Walking the Dog
Moving furniture
Taking Out the Trash
Preparing meals
Time with Family
We’re knocking it out of the park when it comes to time spent with family. Here’s what I observed around the house in the last month:
Singing Nat King Cole songs in Spanish on the patio while barbecuing lunch on the grill.
My mom on the patio with Lucy on her lap and laughing at the lyrics to a Jimmy Buffet song.
Isabel coming home to her favorite Colombian dish instead of having to make dinner when she’s tired.
Isabel and Martha on the couch looking at Facebook photos of a long lost friend.
Talking with Fabio and Martha on the Silla de Navidad about the Fannie Mae/Freddie Mac beginning of the next Great Depression.
Ricky following around grandpop whining and begging for a walk.
Martha telling stories of what Isabel was like as a child.
Visiting vineyards on Sundays after church to pick out a place to have the baby baptized.
Isabel and Martha and Maju (Fabio’s sister) decorating the baby’s room, together.
I’ve noticed the house is now the Family nerve center for extended family not living here, as well. Keeping up social contact with them is easier.
None of these things would’ve occurred if we weren’t under the same roof for longer than Christmas visits. And the whole situation will be what our children think of as normal. They will assume its just the way family’s live.
Your Optimal Family Living?
So far, yes.
However, I cannot make a whole-hearted recommendation of MG family living to everyone reading this. There are too many prerequisites, many of which are not in your control. I do recommend being open to considering it in light of the prerequisites, listed below.
Money and Family
It is possible to save money living like this. But, a more realistic goal is to improve your quality of life. Most of the benefits are intangible. Like the best things in life they can be counted on your fingers but maybe not in your bank account.
If you’re on the verge of financial disaster this isn’t going to save you. You probably won’t have the temperament or patience to make it work. One of the ways you could ruin it is to walk around with a calculator and tally up every nickel and dime insisting that everyone pay their fair share. Unless your calculator has has a “Quality of Life” button the numbers won’t prove the case, either way.
House Layout is Critical
Layout is more important than size. I’ve seen 2000 sq. ft. houses that would work and 5000 sq. ft. houses that wouldn’t. Here’s a shopping list of features that would make MG family living easier:
One bedroom per person or couple
One full bathroom per four people
Bathrooms accessible without intruding on privacy
Bedrooms separate from dining room for noise
Bedrooms separate from family room for noise
Kitchen and pantry large enough to handle everyone
House should have places for alone time, besides bedrooms
Including the baby we’ll average 508/sq. ft per person. I don’t know if that’s a magic number because layout is more important that space. Just adding it here for reference.
Good for Everyone
This whole multi-generational family living is voluntary, for everyone. You’d be fooling yourselves to think it was sustainable if there wasn’t something in it for everyone. The more, the better.
Even if your situation does benefit everyone, personalities may not mix. Ours do, so it works. But, any personality friction will only be worse if there isn’t something in it for everyone.
An Extension of Existing Compatibility
My wife and I have similar families, values and goals. And, we were raised in the same part of the country by parents with similar values. During these four months it feels as if our existing compatibility was extended to include our family. Is it really such a stretch that the family she came from is compatible with the family I came from?
Neil Clark Warren, Ph.D. says, “…when two people come from similar backgrounds, they operate from a position of strength. Their relationship is made significantly easier by all the customs and practices they have in common.”
And here’s what he says about the opposite:
“Forging a relationship with an opposite is so hard because every difference you have requires negotiation and adaptation. Accommodation and compromise will necessitate plenty of change. This change creates a kind of stress. If there are too many differences, you may not be able to survive all the strain involved in adapting to each other.”
Starting with you and your wife, a house full of opposites is more likely to zap everyone’s strengths just to cope with all the differences. Families with similar backgrounds, however, can focus on contributing individual strengths for the benefit of all.
The Future
We have many upcoming challenges:
How do things change when the baby comes?
A second child?
What Happens When My Mom Passes Away?
Estate Planning?
Building the Addition to the house?
And what challenges will time reveal that we don’t know about yet?
I plan to update this article, every year, for other families thinking of moving in together. I could have used an article like this five-months ago.
I don’t have an all-time final verdict. But, I do have the verdict on the last four months. I will whisper the three magic words my wife most longs to hear: “You were right”.
by Victoria L. Dunckley, MD
It’s not only possible; it’s their preferred means of expression. Children are designed to communicate in story. Before they have words for the things around them, before they put words together in sentences, they’re tracking the story of what’s happening to them, and around them. A few weeks after they’re born they look at you while you’re changing their diaper and you can see them taking it all in. There are no words, but they’re recording the beginnings of their own story.
