When grandparents and grandchildren are able to live close together so that each can spend a great deal of time with the other, many fascinating bonds emerge! Not only that, but research shows that raising children near their grandparents presents many scientific benefits, such that go beyond free, convenient babysitting for parents.
While it’s not always easy – or possible – for grandchildren to grow up near their grandparents, the relationship that develops here is well worth the effort. The extra love, attention, and guidance help raise strong adults.
5 Reasons Raising Children Near Their Grandparents Is Beneficial
While the research is quite extensive, here are five simple ways that raising children near their grandparents leads to beneficial outcomes.
#1. The children will have a built-in support system (in addition to their parents).
According to research gathered through the University of Oxford, children who are able to maintain close relationships with their grandparents tend to have fewer emotional and behavioral issues, allowing them to be better at handling traumatic life events in life, such as divorce, bullying, death, or substantial moves. Having a good relationship with grandparents helps allow the grandparents to offer a unique sense of security and support in such a way that parents might be unable to offer. This helps growing children navigate adverse childhood experiences.
#2. By having an inter-generational identity, a child’s resilience is increased.
Understanding who they are, where they came from, and the history of their family (which can happen by knowing one’s grandparents well) can help a person be more resilient. The reason for this is that knowledge and understanding help one feel more in control of their life, even when uncontrollable events occur. Understanding their family and their history can help a person grow to understand they are part of something bigger than just themselves and their life.
#3. Having a close relationship with grandparents help children grow up to be less ageist.
Everyone gets old. This is the way of life. The hope, however, is that our younger generations won’t discriminate against the old, and a way to ensure that this doesn’t happen is by building strong relationships between youth and the elderly – or, grandparents and grandchildren. According to a 2017 study, kids who develop close relationships with their grandparents are less likely to show bias towards older adults, and children who had a poor quality relationship with their grandparents were more likely to have ageist views.
Grandma GG died on the twelfth day of Christmas, 2017.
In Catholic tradition, the following day is the Epiphany, the feast of the three kings, commemorating the manifestation of Christ to the Magi. So, the original “12 Days” are not a children’s memory and forfeit game turned into a Christmas carol.
And yet, when a friend reminded me of the day, the first memory I had was of Timothy and Lucas singing that song in the shower of our ski lodge hotel, over the holiday. If there’s anything more beautiful than the sound of children singing it’s the sound of my children singing.
When we drove home, Timothy had the gifts of each day of the song memorized. Then, like my father did so many times, I changed things around on them. To show the boys they’re not stuck with the official version of things, I made up new gifts for the first four days and sang a new carol.
By the time we were done, our version had 12 strummers strumming, three french breads, two lady bugs, and a fish swimming in a glass jar.
Charlie’s Option ‘C’
It was a small change to a lovely song. But, small changes like that, initiated by my father, were at the core of why he and mom lived such an extraordinary life. The conventional was just one possible starting point for my father; a brilliant engineer certain that no one had the whole game figured out. As he would often say, that made running with the herd a most dangerous proposition.
As my cousin Keith put it, if there were options A and B for everyone else, my father had an option C to consider. Tell him that there’s two sides to every coin and he’d probably smile and point out that you missed the third side. You forget about the edge. That’s technically a third side.
I can just hear him saying, “Remember, Terry, nobody’s got the whole game figured out. The instant someone tells you they do, ‘Run!’.”
And yet, for all his insights, when visiting with them in Tokyo my father said the reason they were able to travel everywhere and do such fun things was because of my mom. He just went to work every day, as usual. Mom took care of the blizzard of details it took the relocate, setup another house, figure out the local markets, and pay the bills.
The Shenanigans Continue …
The Shenanigans of the Gillespie’s, the McNally’s, and now the Arbelaez’, continue with the next generation. We sing the beautiful songs given us with the audacity to change the lyrics. The melody eventually goes, too, and the composers are forgotten. New life sings its own version of ancient songs. And nothing but the Grace of God is so assured that it should be immune from re-examination or re-canted with the joy of a personal imprint.
In Everything I Do
I must study politics and war that my sons may have liberty to study mathematics and philosophy. My sons ought to study mathematics and philosophy… in order to give their children a right to study painting, poetry, music, architecture…1
And so it was that my brother and I were able to study music and architecture. Everything I do is on the shoulders of my parents, and on my knees, for the glory of our Father in heaven. The sacrifices they made, and the small changes to the norm my dad would always make, compounded into an enveloping blanket of possibilities my brother and I had the luxury of taking for granted.
An Artful Life
Possibilities are the breeding ground of creativity. The fruit of creativity is an artful life and, hopefully, the appreciation of the liberties that make it possible.
My parents were always there to help. Only because I was so sure of that, did I rarely need it. It was a premise in our relationship and bestowed a freedom to compose an extraordinary life. May the compositions of Isabel and I be a worthy extension of their legacy.
The Highest Privilege
When friends used to ask about my childhood I didn’t know what to say. What’s the opposite of a shitty childhood? Whatever that is, that was us.
Such discussions now involve notions of privilege and what that might be. From my parents, I know the answer: the highest earthly privilege, of all, is to be born into a household with a loving father and mother.
I can’t say it enough, and can’t stop thinking it: everything I do only makes sense when viewed as an extension of them. While others may try to discard their heritage, or apologize for it, I will spend the rest of my life being thankful for, and exploring the depths of, my own.
Geraldine Marie Gillespie
An excellent wife who can find?
She is far more precious than jewels.
The heart of her husband trusts in her,
and he will have no lack of gain.
She does him good, and not harm,
all the days of her life.2
My father found this in my mother, Geraldine Marie Gillespie. And because their lives reflected its importance, I eventually found the same in Isabel. So, Isabel was the perfect one to give my mother her most favorite title of all: Grandma GG.
It was a name quickly conjured to avoid confusion with Martha, the other grandmother living in our house at the time. And, though the role of grandmother is rarely exceeded in stature or importance, it was a role my mother never expected to play. But, as I was to learn in the hours after her death, there was even more than that bundled up into Grandma GG’s favorite title.
A Catatonic Epiphany
For the last three years of her life, I’d prayed to know the purpose of my mother’s increased suffering, being confined to a bed for the past 10 years, and even losing her words.
Then, as befitting the 12th day of Christmas, I was lead on the track of a catatonic epiphany to a small group meeting at our church. Perhaps only around other believers could something as heart-warming, yet terrifying, be revealed: that my mother’s highest purposes in life were identical to her work, which was, in turn, identical to her highest calling. All three of these cherished insights lined up into one for Grandma GG. Her purposes, work, and calling were, all three, the same. They were inextricably bound up, and poured into, her three great loves: my father, my brother, and me.
The rareness of all three of these lining up —something that perhaps only a wife and mother of her time were afforded — is partly why I missed them.
A Mother’s Grief
Seen from that vantage point, it became more understandable that she had the strokes that put her in the bed shortly after my father, and then brother, died. Two-thirds of her life purposes had just left the planet. Her husband and firstborn son, were gone.
For those who haven’t walked that path, there’s no way to comprehend the loss. What I know of it are from the sounds of her weeping over my brother; cries I’d often wished could become unheard as they resonated through every dimension in a way that only a mother’s grief could.
Mom held on, in part, to save me from what she felt that day. She couldn’t bear for the same to happen to me.
A Secret Project
Maybe every child has a feeling their parents are working on a secret project that’s never revealed or talked about. You know they’re up to something; you just don’t know what it is. Then, one day, you realize that the secret project they’ve been working on, all this time, is you.
Every grocery bag, pair of sneakers, uniform, piano lesson, field trip, monthly check for Catholic school … and every drop-off and pick-up and late-night vigil waiting for you to come home, is one more stitch in the patchwork of a quilt they’re making, but don’t expect to use, for their own warmth. They’re sowing the soil, and tending to trees for decades, in hopes that it will bear the most delicious fruit the world has ever seen. And yet they’re perfectly content to die having never taken a bite.
The Unbearable Absence of Reservation
We pour ourselves out for our children, not because they’ve earned it, but because our love for them comes with an almost unbearable absence of reservation. It’s the only fitting metaphor we have of God’s love for us.
What Christ did for all, we seek to do for our children, within the realms of our limited authority: To guide them away from error and onto the path of their most complete fruition. And when they fall short, to plead forgiveness for their youthful trespasses and cancel any records of debt that might stand against them with legal demands.
Charlie’s 10% Solution
My dad said their marriage worked because he put 10% of everything he had into it. My mom wholeheartedly agreed with him on that, adding that the other 90% came from her.
A New Plague
The late 70’s were a tough time for my parent’s marriage. A new legal option of No-fault divorce was creeping across the country like a plague, leaving broken families in its wake. The machinery of separation was put into motion with a 9-syllable incantation: “ir·rec·on·cil·a·ble dif·fer·ences” were not corporate mergers gone awry, but a legal pretense for parents to live in separate houses.
Neutrality & Fairness
I remember my mom saying they couldn’t handle being Switzerland with all the couples they’d known who’d become separate and warring nations; the kids pulled around new artificial zones that, unlike the Vietnam news stories on TV, were anything but demilitarized.
So, there were arguments, and dishes thrown, and frustrations we felt, but didn’t understand. That’s how my brother and I knew that, just because we were born into it, didn’t make our parent’s marriage a guarantee.
We also learned that people playing fair with each other was a recipe for disaster; that it took a lot more than mere fairness to be happy. Only when they became resigned to giving more than received did a peace, that surpasses all understanding, come to our house.
Wedding Song
As sung in the wedding folk song, popular at the time:
Woman draws her life from man and gives it back again.
But, the circle of the exchange in those lyrics spins faster than the inputs of the wedded couple. It’s that invisible extra energy the songwriter is asking about in the question, “Do you believe in something, that you’ve never seen before?”.
Grief is the Precious, Cut Short
I’ve learned from the deaths of my immediate family that the greatest cause for grief is when something precious is cut short of its expected completeness. And though I grieve for my mother, and still for my father and brother, I’m unable to view their lives as having been cut short; each for their own reasons.
Dad’s Bucket List(s)
In a conversation with my dad, a year before he died, he told me that when he was 10-years-old he made a list of things he’d dreamed of doing. By his mid-40’s he’d gotten to the end of that list, and made another. By the time of our conversation, he said he’d checked everything off that second list, as well.
The memory of that exchange was particularly comforting when he died, unexpectedly, a year later. How could his life be viewed as having been cut short if, by his own handwritten lists, he’d completed everything he’d set out to do?
Uncle Tim
When my dad’s brother came to visit, last year, I told him that story. He said he felt the same way and that his number was 75. Seven months later, nine days after Grandma GG, my Uncle Tim met his number.
Mom’s Unexpected Life
As for my mother, she never expected to get to do most of the things she, and my father, did. She raised two boys, traveled the world, got her high school diploma (about the same time we did), worked for a while to see what that was like, learned ikebana painting with the Japanese, and played golf with my father to her hearts content in their dream home, designed by their son, on the 5th hole of a private golf course in South Carolina. All of this, with her husband who’d retired at the age of 53.
It wasn’t until after my father died that I realized that Grandma GG was another artist in the family. Her opinions on logos, and colors, and ideas for business names, were always refreshing. And the grandchildren on her lap were the vitamins she took for her last eight years.
The fullness of Grandma GG’s life is the license we have to limit our grief to that of a life, not cut short, but fully lived.
Death ≠ Life Incomplete
A life is not devoid of purpose, nor incomplete, due merely to the fact that it has ended. If that were so, there is no hope for any of us, nor has there ever been.
I know this is not so, if only because of the memories I draw from them. My father may have helped me make more decisions, after his death, than before it. And though I believe it to be a mere fractal of a larger truth, there’s an undeniable life continued, here and now, in our memories, alone.
They Don’t Feel Gone
Staring at the bed of all the photos of my family it doesn’t make sense that they’re all gone. They don’t feel gone. After another series a fleeting moments, Isabel and my photos will be added to the pile. Then, it will be Timothy and Lucas staring at our pictures with this same odd feeling.
Memory is Proof of Life
Among the dead are those whose memories and past deeds are still having more of an impact on my life, today, than anyone currently living, ever will. So, the separation of who is here, and who is gone, becomes a more ambiguous proposition with each passing year.
After all, if memory of the once living is of no importance, then why punish a murderer? The victim’s gone and justice won’t bring them back. But, murderers are punished because the living will not put their memories away. The bell of the victims life will not be un-rung. And neither will the absence of justice be forgotten, or un-factored in to the righteous behavior of the survivors.
I believe the soul is sanctified by the Holy Spirit, and continues a new life in the unseen realm, as the body falls away. Still, unbelievers can take comfort in the memories of loved ones who’ve died, and the life contained in their memory of them.
In the first few years, not a day went by without a citation of the fourth commandment, in one direction or another. We eventually got the hang of it in seeing the final years of Grandma GG’s life through. Her care was part of our purpose, while she was in the final stages of completing hers. We were like mirrors pointed at each other, each unaware of the reflections compounding into infinity.
Through the Eyes of Visitors
But, our children, and others, saw those reflections.
Every once in a while we’d get an outside perspective on our lives, through the eyes of visitors. It was like having a puppy and a friend stops by, two months later, and breaks the news to you that what you’re calling a puppy has become a dog.
As friends and family passed on condolences, one of the first things they’d say is how wonderful it was that Grandma GG spent her final years with her family.
They’re right, it was wonderful. But, it was just as wonderful to spend the long beginning of my life, with her.
End of the Rainbow
In retrospect, the struggles I had in caring for my mom were like a man complaining about a rock in his shoe while walking to the end of a rainbow. The treasure, waiting to be collected, is more than one house can hold. Part of that treasure is the proof that Grandma GG’s highest calling was met, so that even 1/3rd of its fulfillment was more than enough to reap for the care she needed.
Another part is that our boys woke up, everyday of their four and eight-year lives, with a grandparent living in the same house.
“God’s law is an unspeakably good and precious thing, and to live within it is to live the life that is eternal. To be sure, (God’s) law is not the source of rightness, but it is forever the course of rightness.3
The Potency of Holiness
Our bodies know the differences between darkness and light better than our minds. While surprised that a candle has lit up the whole gymnasium, our bodies have already started walking towards it.
Light is more than the absence of darkness. And holiness is more than the absence of sin. If sin is the drum of water we drink from, then holiness is the teaspoon of bleach that makes the whole drum potable.
Her Inheritance
My moms inheritance is in answering her highest calling. It was poured out into her three men, into her new family, and also for those who saw her race, finished well.
And like the story of the thief on the cross, who had no hope before that fateful day, may the retelling of her story inspire other families to stick together and light their own candles with the fire within. And may a spoonful of that be credited to the account of Grandma GG’s inheritance in the Kingdom of God.
In Our Muscle Memory
Grandma GG is still in our muscle memory and in the walls of the house. While writing these words, I’ve kept the room monitor on in my office in case Grandma GG needs something. Isabel and I still hear the bell she used to ring, and the pitch of her voice, calling for something. We’re still quiet on the phone so as not to wake her, and we keep feeling the need to break away from dinners with friends, because mom’s been alone for too long.
The Smirk on Lucas’ Face
Grandma GG did not abide orders or directives. There was a certain way she’d purse her lips and stare when orders were detected. That’s when you knew there wasn’t a thing in the world that could move her. You’d just settled the matter; nothing would move her until she was good and ready.
One day, while giving an order to our two-year-old, I looked over to see something that brought chills of deja’vu. Lucas had the same eyes, and curled up smirk, I’ve seen on my mothers face for fifty years. I knew immediately the battle lines were drawn, and he had the upper hand. My mother’s will-not-abide smirk had been transmuted right onto Lucas’ defiant face.
I can only imagine the deep-rooted pig-headedness originating from ancient celtic roots that is now a weapon in his arsenal. And, boy, it’s a good one. Grandma GG would love knowing that she had left her Lucas Michael, so well-armed. As foreboding a look as it is, I love seeing her smirk on Lucas’ face. Even though I know what I’m in for.
Timothy’s Willy Wonka House
“When you love someone you go to the ends of the earth for them.”
— Aunt Bernie
Timothy doesn’t have Grandma GG’s defiant smirk. What he inherited from Grandma GG is waking up for the first eight years of his life with grandparents living in the same house. He has the cookies and candy in her drawer, her birthday gifts, the coca-cola Santa Claus kisses, and grandparents’s day at school.
When watching the original Willy Wonka, Timothy saw nothing odd in all the grandparents in the bed. To him, it was a matter-of-fact depiction of the way all families live. Families take care of one another, come what may, and no one is left behind.
Conclusion
Prior to my mom’s passing, Isabel had never experienced the death of an immediate family member. Now, as a reluctant veteran, perhaps she’d agree that death, compared to life, is a simple thing.
Death doesn’t give meaning to life; it just imposes a deadline on the project to perfect the soul our bodies are bound to, for a while. The body gives out, and the soul is released, to forever be what it became under the care of our earthly stewardship.
The greatest gift of life is the chance to shape, and try to perfect, the state of our immortal souls.
May we prepare for death like a bel canto singer navigates through the passagio of the upper-middle voice; switching over to a new set of involuntary muscles so the voice may gracefully ascend into its highest range.
But, She’s Ours!
Two weeks after she died, Lucas asked, “When are they going to send Grandma GG back?”
“What do you mean, Lucas?”, Isabel asked.
“When are they going to be done working on her body … (counting on his fingers) … “1-day, 2-days, 3-days, 4-days, 5-days?”
“She’s not coming back, Lucas. We have to go see her.”
“But, she’s ours!”, he said.
Then, last week, Lucas asked the same question. When Isabel told him Grandma GG was gone he yelled, “But, she’s ours! Why can’t they fix her body and send her back?!” before crying for five minutes; an eternity for a four-your-old.
Yes, honey. She’s ours.
And we will never forget her, nor the last time we saw her, this morning as she prepared for her journey and waved goodbye and slipped the surly bonds of earth to touch the face of God.4
Songbirds, P.S.
Alright, mom. These words hardly begin to summarize your life. But, you’d be happy with a few highlights in your son’s voice. It must have been awesome to get out of that bed and stretch out into a walk!
Remember when Dad borrowed Wendell’s RV and we camped and drove across the whole country? Dad wore out those Fleetwood Mac tapes and almost killed us on the mesa verde mountain curves.
My least favorite song is the one I can’t get out of my head. It reminds me of you and dad. You guys are together, now, like you imagined for all those years watching the golf channel. Every time that bell rings it feels like you’re still here. I’m glad, we’re glad, that, “For you, there’ll be no more crying.”
For you, the sun will be shining.
And I feel that you’re with us
And It’s alright, I know it’s right.
My songbirds are singing, like they know the score.
And I love you, I love you, I love you, like never before.
The church at Colossae was formed during Paul’s ministry in Ephesus. A Colossian named Epaphras traveled to Ephesus (125 miles NW of Colossae) and heard Paul preach the gospel. In returning home Epaphras shared the message with his hometown and the church at Colossae was born. “Epaphras had earlier journeyed to Paul to help him in whatever way he could, representing the three churches of the Lycus valley (Laodicea, Hierapolis, Colossae)”.1
Epaphras is with Paul (Currently jailed in Ephesus) and has given Paul news of problems in the church in Colossae. Paul writes his Colossians epistle to address these problems.
I favor Pauline authorship of Colossians and Philemon while Paul was jailed in Ephesus ~54 A.D. I don’t think he wrote these epistles in Rome (or Caesarea) for three reasons:
Onesimus, a slave who escaped from his owner Philemon in Colossae, is unlikely to have been able to make two (Or three) trips to Rome from his home in Colossae.
“…it seems unlikely that, having seen Rome as a staging-post on the way to Spain (Rom. 15:22–29), Paul would be hoping to visit Philemon soon after his impending release.”2
The epistle contains advice more likely to be needed by a very young church than a church that had been grappling with such issues for eight or nine years.3
If Paul wrote Colossians while in Ephesus both the church, and Paul, were ~nine years younger than widely presumed: Paul is in his early 50’s and the church is barely a year old. That Paul describes himself as an “old man” in Philemon is still consistent with the hard life he’d lived until then.
The letters to the Colossians and to Philemon (And possibly Ephesians) were carried to their recipients by Tychicus and Onesimus with the latter being returned by Paul to his owner, Philemon. Philemon’s house is being used as a church in Colossae and Paul is hoping to persuade him to look favorably on his former slave, Onesimus, who became a Christian during his time with Paul.
Did Paul Write Colossians?
I find the arguments that someone other than Paul wrote the letter, unconvincing. In making their case, the non-Pauline authorship camp makes at least two faulty assumptions:
Colossians Fragment (P46)
That a brilliant writer such as Paul could not, or would not, adapt his writing style and vocabulary with respect to the intention, problems and recipients of the letter. To the contrary: Anyone capable of writing Colossians has proven themselves capable of adjusting language and style to the widest audience possible. In fact, each of these Epistles continues to communicate quite effectively with the entire world since they were written. Putting aside, for now, the fact that his writing was divinely inspired, I’m not aware of any writer having achieved a greater feat (Socrates, Plato, Shakespeare, etc.).
That literary genius and spectacular writing abilities can somehow be perfectly mimicked or obtained by extensive study or “Spending lots of time” with the author. I would think a comparison of the epistles of Timothy to those of Paul’s would end such an argument. For those still unconvinced, rest assured that, no matter how long you might have been able to hang out with Shakespeare you still wouldn’t be able to write one of his plays.
Earthquakes in Laodicea and Colossae:
“Sometimes one also hears the argument that Paul could not have written to Colossae from Rome as late as A.D. 62 because the city of Colossae was destroyed by an earthquake in that year. This is confusing the earthquake which struck Laodicea in A.D. 60–61 with the earthquake which hit Colossae in A.D. 64. It is unfortunate that while Laodicea has undergone a good deal of archaeological work in recent years, Colossae still remains one of the NT sites which has never been excavated. Work would need to be done there before we could begin to assess the effects of the earthquake on that small town.”4
Laodicea and Colossae are only 10 miles apart. An earthquake capable of doing damage to one would be felt in both cities and probably do the same amount of damage. If Paul had written Colossians in 62 A.D. it would be remarkable for him to refrain from mentioning a Laodicean earthquake that happened one year prior. The second 64 A.D. quake in Colossae does not inform the the dating of the epistle, at all.
Lost Epistle to Laodicea
In Colossians 4, Paul asks the Colossians and Laodiceans to read each other’s letters. It’s highly probably that an epistle written to the Laodiceans has been lost.
Praise to Christ (1:15–20)
a) Christ is Lord of creation ( 1: 15–17)
b) Christ is Lord of redemption ( 1: 18–20)
Reconciliation of the Colossians to God ( 1: 21–23)
The Apostle Paul’s Labor for the Gospel ( 1: 24–2: 3)
a) Paul’s suffering and stewardship of the mystery ( 1: 24–28)
b) Paul’s labor for the Colossians ( 1: 29–2: 3)
Danger: Christ’s Preeminence Defended
The Dangerous Teaching at Colossae ( 2: 4–23)
a) Warning about a deceptive teaching ( 2: 4–8)
b) Help for the danger: resources in Christ ( 2: 9–15)
c) Additional warnings about the teaching ( 2: 16–23)
Duty: Christ’s Preeminence Demonstrated
The Proper Focus: Christ and the Life Above ( 3: 1–4)
Instructions on Living the Christian Life ( 3: 5–4: 6)
a) Dealing with the sins of the past ( 3: 5–11)
b) Putting on the virtues of Christ ( 3: 12–17)
c) Living in the Christian household ( 3: 18–4: 1)
d) Persistence in prayer ( 4: 2–4)
e) Good behavior toward those outside the community ( 4: 5–6)
Personal Greetings and Instructions ( 4: 7–17)
a) Remarks about the messengers carrying the letter ( 4: 7–9)
b) Greetings from Paul’s associates ( 4: 10–14)
c) Greetings to the Christians in Laodicea ( 4: 15–17)
Letter Closing ( 4: 18)
Melick, R. R. (1991). Philippians, Colossians, Philemon (Vol. 32, p. 165). Nashville: Broadman & Holman Publishers. ↩
Wright, N. T. (1986). Colossians and Philemon: an introduction and commentary (Vol. 12, p. 38). Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press. ↩
Wright, N. T. (1986). Colossians and Philemon: an introduction and commentary (Vol. 12, p. 40). Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press. ↩
Witherington, B., III. (2007). The letters to Philemon, the Colossians, and the Ephesians : a socio-rhetorical commentary on the captivity Epistles (p. 19). Grand Rapids, MI: Wm. B. Eerdmans Publishing Co. ↩
The world discards ideas and people that present multiple standard deviations away from “normal”. And yet, Reality has always been phenomenal and noumenal. To ensure you’re able to thrive in the artificial chaos of this generation you’ll need to be an outlier, in many ways. Here’s “The Outlier’s Handbook” to optimize your trajectory.
The Outlier’s Handbook
(Thriving in Artificial Chaos)
Table of Contents
Part 1 — What Outliers?
“Let Your Reasonableness Be Known to Everyone”
Ockham’s Razor: Benefits & Limits
The Bookends of Normalcy Bias & Cognitive Dissonance
“This Book Goes Too Far!”
What Outliers?
Outliers Defined
You Know You’re An Outlier If . . .
Outlier Benefits
Outlier Costs
Personal Secession and Other Outlier Mindsets
Part 2 — It’s Your World, Boss!
This Is Where You Live
American Roulette
The Constitution is Safe!
A Bank with Social Services Around It
Democracy: The God that Failed
The Corporation
The Deep State
Fascism, American Style
Lifecycle of Nations
“Poverty of Nations” Report Card
Imperial Collapse Playbook
Danger, Will Robinson!
Technocracy: The Trojan Horse of Global Transformation
Regional Bloc Head Mercantilism
Gee, Maybe Nation-States Weren’t So Bad, After All
Solutions Amidst Global Fascism
Change Happens Like This, Now
Part 3 — The Usual Suspects
Call Them As You See Them
Origin & Story of Rulers and Authorities
Angelic Gen 6 View: Consistency & Insights
So, Who are “They”?
The “New” Face of Evil (Follow the Blood)
Long Term Trends Require Spiritual Unity
The Minions
A Working Structure of Oppression
They Walk Among Us
Serial Killers
How Can You Spot One?
Political Ponerology
7 signs you might be dating one
Protection From Them
Speech Patterns
I, Psychopath
The Hidden Cost of Killing Psychopaths
Beware the Backlash
Elements of Their World View
Their Goals
”Ye Shall Be As Gods”
Their Methods
The Moral Code of Evil
Inversion
Undisclosed Adhesion Contracts
Counterfeit Money
Controlled Markets
Technocracy
Stacked & Interlocking Pyramidical Structures
Consolidation
Democracy
Eugenics
Perpetual Fear
Long-Term Planning
With Methods Like This, Who Needs the Occult?
Part 4 — Acquiring Immunity
Move #1: Acquire Personal Immunity
Personal Matters
Purpose is Everything
Managing Outlierhood
Growth
Ethical Time Travel
Health Matters
First Do No Harm
Clean Food, Water, Air & Place
Nutrient Dense Diet
Gut Flora, Probiotics and the Second Brain
Optimal Exercise
Stress & Breathing
Life Extension & Blood Sugar Management
Sensible Health Insurance
Putting It All Together
Spiritual Matters
Intelligent or Random Design
Oneism (Monism) vs. Dualism
CINO’s & MINO’s
Christianity Leads To Science, Islam leads to Murder
Gandhi or Jesus?
Get Blessed
Get Uncursed
Supernatural Immunity: The Mind & Way Of Christ
The Whole Council of God
Spiritual Warfare
Practical Examples of Spiritually Based Solutions
Locational Matters
The Best Place to Live
Where Not to Live
Should you relocate?
The World is Yours
The Illusion of Ownership
Mobility
G.O.O.D Project – Lessons Learned
Family Matters
Instrument of Recursive Perfection
Spouse Choice
Children
Extended Family
Friends Worth the Title are Family
Community
Legal Matters
Natural Law
The Constitution is Safe!
Jurisdiction Matters
Where is the Agreement?
It’s Hard to Be a Free Man
Unraveling Your Liberty
Financial Matters
Money is for Immunity & Purpose
Business as Extension of Purpose
Tax Penalties for Fear and Poor Planning
Mortgage Slavery, Repealed
Austrian Economics is Real Economics
Investments in Immunity & Purpose Have the Highest ROI
Asset Protection
Political Matters
Terms of “State” & “Government”
The Diversion Of Left – Right Thinking
The Votes that Matter
Optimal Government = Perfect Self-Government
The Chief Asset Of The State: Fear & Belief In It’s Necessity
All Matters of Liberty Are Related
Caveat Viator: Libertarianism and Anarchy are Aspects of a Complete Worldview
Govern Thyself Perfectly and Hold Death Dear
Perspective Matters
The Most Valuable Commodity on the Planet
Philosophers On Donuts
Terms of “Freedom” & “Liberty”
Equality & Authority
Freedom & Structure
Peace Does Not Flow From Passivity
Proof and Truth
You Can’t Beat Everything with Nothing
“Let’s Just Split the Difference and Find a Middle Ground”
Stoicism
The Opportunity in Uncertainty
If Swamp Rats Can’t be Exterminated Why Can You?
What About America?
Doing Matters
Tony Robbin’s Best Trick
Think Spiritually, Act Locally
Getting Things Done
Low Hanging Fruit
Tragic Flaws of Conventional Prepping
Expert Tips
How To Lose Without Fighting (An Outlier’s Not To-Do List)
Part 5 — Ants & The Human Mosaic
Change The World in Four Moves
Humans as an Ant Army
Move #1: Immunity
Move #2: Specialize
Move #3: Move
Move #4: Cooperate
Humanize the Best Attributes of Animals & Insects
Part 6 — Problems: Solutions
Move #2: Specialize & Pick One
Personal Concerns
Training Disguised as Education
Shortening Attention Spans
Media Agitprop
Health Concerns
Eugenics
Vaccines Vs. Immunity
Socialized Medicine
Food Fascism & GMOs
Fluoridated water
Nuclear Waste & Meltdown Disasters
Geo-Engineering
Disease(s) Cured
Spiritual Concerns
Psychopathy
Moral Relativism
Odious Debt (Slavery)
Wars of Conquest
False-Flag Attacks
End Times Decoder Rings
501c3 Churches
Locational Concerns
Agenda 21
Scientific Control Grid
Power Grid Fragility
Family Concerns
The State as Great Father
Broken Families
Legal Concerns
Patent Squelching
Webs of Undisclosed Adhesion Contracts
Drug Wars
Licensing
Militarization of Police
Surveillance State
Monopoly
Bonus: Beating Traffic Tickets
Financial Concerns
Fractional Reserve Banking (The Theft of Human Labor)
The documentary film, The Art of the Steal is a gripping tale of intrigue and mystery in the art world. The film traces the history of the Barnes collection of Post-Impressionist paintings, which was worth billions and became the subject of a power struggle after the 1951 death of the owner. Dr. Albert Barnes collected 181 Renoirs, 69 Cezannes, 59 Matisses, 46 Picassos and many other valuable paintings. Despite his best efforts political wrangling over the collection eventually led to its division and control by the very group of people he wanted the collection to be protected against.
Barnes was a shrewd man. He took pains to hire the best lawyers to erect a trust for his paintings to protect them from every imaginable threat. Ironically, the people, state rats and foundations that would eventually divide, move and control his collection were largely known to Barnes at the time of his death.
For the intriguing story of how they accomplished this I recommend the film.
Barnes drafted his trust in 1922 and modified it many times leading up to his sudden death in 1951. It took 58 years from the time of Barnes’ death before the judges ruling cleared the way for its division which overturned every one of Barnes’ express wishes for his collection and transferred control of what now is $25-$30 billion dollars of art into the very hands Barnes never wanted to to have anything to do with it.
While watching the documentary I was struck both by how long it took the collection to be divided and how short that period was with respect to the magnitude, beauty and importance of the art. It’s reminiscent of what is often said about a Stradivarius Violin: The current owner is merely temporary in the life of the instrument.
Barnes was a great man. As such, we who loathe that his magnificent collection has fallen into enemy hands have no better recourse than to glean from the rubble of this theft every possible lesson of what strategies might have worked in fulfilling Barnes’ true wishes.
The problems started when the Barnes Trust ran out of successor trustees.
Have More Successor Trustees
Have Children – Barnes had no children. There’s no guarantee that children will fulfill estate wishes but it would have put a few more options on Barnes’ table.
Designate a Lineage of Trustees – Barnes designated five successor trustees. This is the primary reason his collection was protected for the 58 years it was. Even though five seem like plenty it was not enough. More is better and a methodology for adding them, post-mortem, is even better.
Have Trustees (Vetted While Grantor is Alive) Designate Successor Trustees – The Trustees Barnes knew while he was alive performed flawlessly. If there was a mechanism in the trust for these trustees to, in turn, vett and add new trustees, this would extend the time and increase the quality of adherence to the original intent of the Grantor (Barnes, in this case).
“Poison Pill” Provisions
To avoid contention between competing trustees “Poison Pills” could be placed in the Trust to squelch trivial squabbles. John Lennon’s estate was famous for ensuring that anyone who contested the terms of the trust be cutout of the trust, as a result. It works!
Map Out Maintenance Strategies Using Corpus of the Trust
At one point, Barnes’ collection was in danger due to problems with the building that contained it. Multiple approved methods of raising money for maintenance could be included in the trust. This would take options away from untrustworthy trustees who see this as a crack in the Trust’s armor. It would also make it easier for good trustees who may not have the business sense to go along with their desire to adhere to the grantors’ wishes.
One option, here, for Barnes would have been a strategic sell-off of some of the collection. As terrible as that may sound Barnes would have been most familiar with his collection. Not everything he chose was untouchable. While alive Barnes might have chosen the order in which a very small number of paintings could be auctioned off for the good of the collection IF that was the only option available to the trustee.
Use Corporation(s), LLC(s) or Complex Structures in Lieu of a Trust
This opens up a whole different can of worms that I’d rather not explore in this article. I only bring it up as an option in reaction to seeing the limits of Barnes’ chosen protective entity: The Trust. The ultra rich typically erect complex structures of multiple entities to protect their wealth while they’re alive. Admittedly, maintaining such structures is much more difficult upon death but perhaps such complexity is necessary in cases like Barnes.
Prohibit Boards as Trustees
The biggest fractures appeared with the Barnes collection when Trustees morphed into boards who created their own rules about how the boards were run. Such boards were free to add members, for instance, that enabled a few members to change the consensus of the board. I’d say the only way to squelch this problem is to prohibit boards of any kind. Groups of people never behave themselves with as much integrity as individuals.
The Nuclear Option
Barnes was a great man. To become so takes a level of determination and single-mindedness that few of the rest of us can probably even imagine. After watching the documentary it occurred to me that Barnes was so determined to keep his collection in tact and out of the hands of his enemies that he never even contemplated a last-ditch option. With the benefit of the hindsight that Barnes’ experience has given me I think his best last ditch option would have been to focus on . . . .
The Creators Not the Creations
In the event that any of Barnes’ parameters were violated he could have put instructions into the trust that all the art in the collection be auctioned off for the benefit of the kinds of artists whose work Barnes so understandably admired. By doing so the actual art in the collection would have been randomly distributed around the world (To be collected by the next Barnes?) and he would have been funding the efforts of new great artists to create more beautiful and inspiring art for Barnes’ desired educational purpose of the art, itself. Not to mention that the existing art would have been put beyond the reach of the contemptible group that now controls it.
I’m not presuming that this is a better use for Barnes’ art than he, himself, imagined. I’m merely pointing out one possible backup option that Barnes probably wouldn’t even let himself consider.
They Ruin Everything They Touch
Greed, power, sociopaths and whatever “Foundations” they hide behind are like water falling on a building: They never stop eroding what they come in contact with. In life it’s often possible to avoid contact, altogether, with these brands of evil. In death, the best one can hope for is to delay the meeting for as long as possible.
“A single conversation across the table with a wise man is worth a month’s study of books.”
— Chinese proverb
If conversations with the wise were captured in all the categories a man needs, supplemented with the views of the wisest authors of history, and woven together for the modern man the result would be “Modules for Manhood”.
The goal of Kenneth W. Royce’s series is to impart “What Every Man Must Know” to “Transform yourself into a strong, patient, competent, and courageous Gentleman of Honor”. Judging by the first volume—with the remaining two to be published this year—Royce may have accomplished these rather lofty goals.
Mr. John Mitchel justly remarks, in one of his historical works, that the greatest conquest England ever made was to gain the ear of the world. In the case of Ireland especially, she has for centuries possessed not only its soil, but the advantage of telling the story of its people from her own viewpoint, while preventing them from making themselves heard in their own behalf. Down almost to within the memory of living men, education, even in its most rudimentary form, was a felony in Ireland, on the correct principle that the most effective method of subjugating and despoiling a people is to keep them in enforced ignorance.
A reader I haven’t met became a Rifleman on Sunday and credits my essay with finding out about Appleseed. Hearing the news truly made my week!
Though working on a few candidates at home they’ve yet to attend an Appleseed. But, America’s latest Rifleman, Mark Hudson, went a step further and managed the feat of documenting his training while mastering it. I hope it’s not too long before Mark receives word that the next Rifleman found Appleseed through his article (Which contains excellent checklists and pictures to inspire and assist in preparing for the event)!
Of course, not everyone writes. Just telling folks what you’ve been up to is enough. Those inclined to listen pay more attention to actions than words, anyway; something Appleseed founder Fred knew from the start, no doubt.
All week I’ve been thinking about the popular notion that everyone on the planet is only six degrees of separation away from each other. I think it’s only two degrees for Rifleman. After posting on a favorite forum about Mark’s success one of the Appleseed instructors who worked with Mark, last weekend, actually saw and commented on the post!
To Those Who Have Ears
There’s no way around the looks you’ll get when recommending Rifle training over another trip to Disneyland. Guns are provocative by nature like a beautiful woman. Speaking of which, my wife was concerned watching me gear up for Appleseed. It was fun to return home and burst her bubble with pictures of families, father-daughter teams and boyscouts right along side the warriors she was expecting.
It wasn’t long after that Isabel was dropping hints that she’d be willing to learn if she had her own rifle (Of course!). So, I bought her the one she picked to go with her outfits, in black & silver.
[Photo taken just after Isabel’s promise to attend the next Appleseed with her husband. She is holding the bribe it took to extract that promise.
What a natural and relaxed stance for a gal who’s never picked up a rifle. Now, if that elbow was vertical under the stock and . . .]
Isabel says she always wanted to learn to shoot and my enthusiasm made her speak up. Make that zero degrees of separation in the Gillespie household.
I planned to make this a longer article by mapping out ways to overcome common objections to the innumerable benefits of Rifle training. However, I’m learning from experience that it’s best to save words for those who have ears:
If you don’t see the Liberty aspects of the training then go to learn about your Heritage.
If you don’t care about the Heritage aspects then go for the Marksmanship.
if you don’t care about the marksmanship aspects then go for Precision.
If you don’t care about precision then go to spend time with family members that do.
If you don’t think they need the company then go to meet quality people who are passionate about any one of the above.
If none of these things motivate you then volunteer to babysit for someone who does. . .
Which brings me to something else I learned from Mark that will serve to keep future articles more brief and to the point. As with so much worldly wisdom the Greeks said it first in Latin, “Verbum sat sapienti” or
“A word is sufficient to a wise man”.
After reading some of Mark Hudson’s views on Life, God and Family I think we get a rare glimpse of one, below.
Family oriented expert rifle training? Yes, happening at a range near you thanks to the Appleseed Project. You don’t have to go to Switzerland, anymore, to find whole families at the rifle range!
This is expert marksmanship being taught by enthusiastic riflemen who know what they’re doing. You won’t be awarded your Rifleman Patch until you’ve earned it. And what it takes and the word “Easy” don’t belong in the same sentence.
According to Fred, the man who started the Appleseed Project, “The purpose of the shoot is to promote history and marksmanship, to
provide marksmanship training opportunities, to train people to become
Riflemen and to teach them now to train other Riflemen”.
“April 19th, 1775, When marksmanship met history and the heritage began.”
“Liberty, Heritage, & Marksmanship“
“Are you a Rifleman or a cook? Attend an Appleseed event and discover your heritage.“
Rifleman Introductions
I recommend four articles written about Appleseed by two esteemed Riflemen. Read Bill Buppert’s article about his second Appleseed back in 2008 where he brought the whole family “On The Road With the Appleseed Project: Creating Liberty One Rifleman at a Time”. Bill contributes his expertise through Appleseed to “Wake up the sleeping giant in America”. He kindly recommended first shooting .22LR and setting up my Ruger 10/22 with Tech Sights for which my shoulder and bank account are thankful.
My first Appleseed was in Sacramento, two weeks ago. The full service range is in a breathtaking part of the country. The fresh air and scenery were a perfect backdrop for an inspiring day.
Apart from the welcoming smiles of the volunteer staff the first thing that struck me was that whole families were there for the training! There were also two father daughter teams and three father son teams.
One third of the attendees were women including three rifleman trainers. Perhaps the only thing more impressive about the lovely ladies on the next mat over is that they were outshooting the men! Grrr. . .
The Rifle
I brought a Ruger 10/22 with tech sights and a plain GI sling with six magazines though four would have been fine. See Mas Ayoob’s Guns of Appleseed or Appleseed’s Liberty Training Rifle for tips on setting up your rifle.
Training for Precision
The training starts with the big things first moving in a circle around your shooting position. Every physical and mental factor leading up to the bullet exiting the barrel is covered. The quality of the shot is viewed as a reflection of the quality of the setup, trigger squeeze and follow through.
Every detail counts in an endeavor of precision and the training involves two days of getting every aspect of the setup into your muscles and bones. For the purposes of this article, however, I’ll briefly describe two aspects of the training that I particularly enjoyed: Natural Point of Aim (NPOA) and firing the shot “By the Numbers”.
What follows are this budding Rifleman’s summary of two, of many, aspects of the training. They give a flavor of the training though words are no substitute for the real thing.
Natural Point of Aim
The idea of NPOA is to setup your body around the rifle so that both are in a state of relaxed tension pointing at the target. Once in your NPOA your breath will cause the front sight to rise and fall vertically through the target. Much of the morning is spent learning what it looks and feels like to get into your NPOA in the prone position.
Adding breath control and their six steps of shooting by the numbers lays an excellent foundation for squeezing off consistent shots. The next step is learning to get into your NPOA in standing position and one seated position (Since body types vary you’ll be shown five seating positions to choose from).
Like most endeavors of precision Appleseed’s descriptions and demonstrations are easily described and demonstrated by the experts. However, teaching your body and mind to reliably and consistently setup your NPOA for the three basic positions is not easy and feels anything but natural, at first. This is especially true for the self-taught (Myself included) who need to unlearn bad habits and replace them with correct technique.
The pace of the training is brisk, methodical and complete. There are no shortcuts taken in building a solid Rifleman foundation. Considering the wide variety of people at the training it’s impressive to see everyone focus together to handle the pace and quality of the instruction.
Firing the Shot “By The Numbers”
Here’s another summary that gives a flavor for the training, but, is no substitute for the full descriptions and experience of being guided through each “Number” in real time by experienced Riflemen:
Line up the front and rear sights.
Bring the lined-up sights onto the target.
Take a deep breath in, then out using the rise and fall of the front sight to establish NPOA.
A: Focus your eye on the front sight. B: Focus you mind on keeping the front sight on target.
Take up the slack and squeeze the trigger straight back (While concentrating on the front sight).
When the hammer falls: Keep your eyes open, take a mental photo of the shot (Referred to as ‘Calling the shot’) and hold the trigger back for follow through.
The instructors are enthusiastic and patient with a keen eye for recognizing and correcting your weak areas.
After the first two hours I started wondering where else I could get such quality training at the price? “Nowhere” is the correct answer. Even if you offered to pay a family member’s gas, lunch and ammunition it would cost you more than Appleseed’s two day training for $70! (Women and children are currently free which I’ll be using to pursuade my wife to join me).
Apart from zeroing your rifle I recommend attending the first day of an Appleseed before engaging in intensive practice with your rifle. In fact, have someone else zero your rifle if you trust them to do it. That frees you up to soak in the training and practice the right habits into your bones on every subsequent shooting occasion.
I spent the first half of the day unlearning bad habits. Best to err on the side of coming to an Appleseed before making bad habits permanent.
Master A Tool of Tools
Mastering a precision tool bestows benefits beyond the area of the tool, itself. In the case of a Rifle the benefits are profound. What profession or task would not benefit from the discipline and precision required to become a Rifleman?
What about adjusting your sights is not transferable to adjusting a miter saw?
What about establishing your NPOA is not transferable to target marketing?
What about zero’ing a rifle is not transferable to Optimizing workflow?
What about the shooting by the numbers is not transferable to visualizing your goals?
The benefits ricochet (Sorry) to and from all endeavors of precision. Inversely, the discipline and precision of master carpentry, for example, can be parlayed back into many aspects of the Rifleman’s craft, as well. For those who haven’t yet settled on a profession precision rifle training exercises a myriad of mental and physical ‘muscles’ that can be applied to future pursuits, yet unknown.
It’s been said that the 1st and 2nd amendments are the only rights required to guarantee the other eight Bill of Rights and all non-enumerated natural human rights. Apropos to their power learning to speak, write, express, worship and defend is optimally approached with an eye towards precision. It is somehow not enough:
To understand the power of speech, yet speak imprecisely.
To be willing to die for the freedom of worship yet be unspecific in praising God’s glory.
To treasure Life and Family with no proficiency in the only historically proven means of their final defense against tyranny or uninitiated aggression.
It takes time, study, effort and keen interest to acquire mastery of these tools of tools. Yet, it’s worth every effort to acquire them even apart from the daily blessings they bestow.
The Day’s Results
According to Appleseed my maximum effective range is 400 Yards. That means I was able to get three consecutive shots to group within a man sized silhouette at 400 yards. In theory this is one step short of Rifleman, but, it’s not that simple.
The “Red Coat Test” (So named because the targets are red to symbolize the British uniforms in the Revolutionary War) is shot from only one position and is not as strict as the Army Qualification Test (AQT) test given the following day where you shoot in three different positions while being timed.
I spent most of the day soaking in the fundamentals and replacing bad habits. That’s probably par for the course for guys who didn’t have the good fortune of Appleseed-like training when starting to shoot. Also, since I didn’t re-zero the .22 after installing iron sights I failed to realize they needed serious adjustments beyond the settings possible on the sights. Therefore, I spent the day looking at groups still 4 inches off the target. For the last two hours an instructor (Thank you, Pat) lent me his 10/22 rifle with a scope. This was great timing because I was able to see the results of the days efforts on targets instead of groups.
I was able to attend only one day of this two day event. Perhaps I could have shot Rifleman the next day though it would have felt wrong to do so with a borrowed rifle. I’ll be back for a proper two-day Appleseed in the next few months. In the meantime, this one day of training has set the tone for practicing the right habits into bone and muscle.
Prep for Appleseed Two
If you’re planning to attend an Appleseed their “What to bring to an Appleseed Event Checklist” is great. Make sure to bring a hat for the sun or a raincoat for the rain. I also recommend binoculars (If you’re not using a scope) to see your patterns between courses of fire where you won’t be walking down to the target. My personal prep for Appleseed Two is to:
Bring a backup rifle – Just like the “What to Bring” sheet says – bring a backup rifle. There’s just no time to make major adjustments to your primary without missing key elements of the training.
Zero both rifles prior to arrival – They cover sight adjustments in the training, but, the elevation adjustments on my tech sights were maxed out and required disassembly to correct. Since I was only there for the Saturday session an instructor loaned me his backup rifle so I wouldn’t be sidelined. Also, to keep the line safe shooters are discouraged from working on their rifles outside of the preparation period. There’s really no time to focus on making major adjustments to your rifle. It’s best to come with a zero ‘d rifle with all the kinks worked out before hand.
Replace the factory with anauto bolt release – Smooth magazine changes are required for the AQT. Placing my finger just right does the trick, but, it’s a distracting hassle that annoys at the end of the day.
Goals
Earn the Rifleman’s patch with the .22 LR.
Requalify with a .308 to remap the training into a true 500 yard round.
Persuade my wife to take a drive in the country and and see what her husband is excited about.
Invite my friends to come along (I’ll drive, pay gas, share ammo and prepare your rifle, if requested!).
Spread the word – Fulfilled with this article, but, not likely to end here.
Planting Seeds of Life & Precision
“Freedom is never more than one generation away from extinction” – Ronald Reagan
On April 19, 1775 better men than I were faced with a choice: Freedom or Slavery. They chose Freedom and paid dearly for it. The men and women of Appleseed have not forgotten and are planting seeds of life & precision in the hearts of new generations of Americans. At a time when dozens of HD screens in every home are turning brains into mush these guys are off the couch breathing the fresh air of the countryside and passing on timeless values and skills.
Politics aren’t required to embrace something fun for the whole family that instills values, skills and benefits far beyond the training, itself. The precision skills parlay into any future profession so why not take a cue from Bill Buppert and make Appleseed part of your homeschool curriculum?
Family oriented expert rifle training is happening at a range near you. Thanks to the Appleseed Project we don’t have to go to Switzerland, anymore, to find whole families at the rifle range! Who knows? With all these sparkling new rifles and Rifleman budding forth maybe it’s not too much to hope for the stabilizing peace and freedom that historically follows in their wake, was purchased by our ancestors and is currently enjoyed by our Swiss friends.
— Special thanks to Shoot Boss BaldDragn and assistent trainers James, eaglescouter, Jules, DoubleD, NorCal22Gal and Pat who trusted me with his rifle.
It’s been 13 months since we moved my mother in to live with us. She was in a nursing home and it was time to get her out of there. Just prior, my mother and father-in-law moved in to live with us, as well. Five months later Timothy, our first child, was born.
That’s five adults, one baby and two dogs spread accross 4 generations; all living under one roof.
Our house was large enough, we had a baby on the way, needed help taking care of my mother and my in-laws were looking for a way to decrease their expenses and take life a little easier. For more background on the decision and the story of moving in together see Why I Live With My In-Laws.
This is an update to that article.
How’s It Going? – Bottom Line
Extremely well, with unexpected benefits and problems and ways to handle each.
Unexpected Benefits
Part of the ‘unexpected’ benefits are how much I didn’t expect to appreciate the benefits listed in my previous article as much as I do. Division of labor, economies of scale, precious time with family, help with mom. It’s one thing to think about these things and its quite another to experience them in your everyday life.
Grandparents for Timothy
This was just an idea last year when everyone moved in. Now, its real. The reality of having Timothy, Martha, Fabio and my mom together in the same house is truly priceless. There’s only three people on the planet that love Timothy as much as Isabel and I do. Having them all under one roof is a daily unfolding wonder and blessing. Even now I may not fully appreciate all the aspects and advantages to Timothy, and all of us.
And the babysitting? Are you kidding me? Who ya gonna call? Isabel and I haven’t had to contemplate the tradeoffs, risks and worries of leaving Timothy with a stranger as we run errands or just want to spend some alone time, together.
This is way beyond money.
Productivity at Home
I work at home. With an 8 month old baby it’s a miracle I can be so productive out of a home office. Sure, we could drop Timothy off at day care. He spends all day with his grandparents and me in what has to be the ideal environment. Even if we incurred the cost, risk and effort to leave Timothy at day care it would be a downgrade in the quality of his life and ours.
Daughter and Father
Isabel and Fabio have a similar temperament: They’re both quick to react and quick to wind down. At first, we all thought they’d be arguing with each other since they’re so similar. Nope. Turns out they’re so in tune with each other that things get resolved almost before they happen.
Daughter and Mother
Isabel and Martha don’t have the same tempermant. But, they are both very feminine and give ideas to each other in a non-competitive way. They may not admit this but I think they motivate each other to do more.
In other words, they both do more than they would without each other.
Mother-in-Law and Son-in-Law (Me)
Martha and I both tend to “Work behind the scenes” to accomplish our goals. Now we conspire with each other for the same purpose.
Nerve Center for Family
With five (Instead of two) adults in the same house its easier to keep in touch with extended family members and friends. That’s more connection for less effort. Since these are people we love and care about that is a very good thing.
All of us enjoy having guests. We have more guests because there are more people to visit. And, we enjoy them more because we’re all pitching in to entertain.
As a single man until the age of 44 I traveled for Christmas 20 years in a row. Now, I’m thrilled to have most of the family here and pass the travel burden onto the remaining single members of the family or those looking to take a break in wine country.
Circular Benefits
Everything that benefits one of us loops back around to benefit all of us. Here are some examples of how this plays out:
My productivity at home leads to peace of mind and more abundance brought into our house. That peace of mind is felt by Timothy and sets an example for him that its possible to live a great life and not be stressed out all the time. More abundance leads to the ability to sustain our lifestyle.
Isabel is freed up from most of the conventional tasks on a new mother’s list. The way I put it is, by the time her alarm clock rings in the morning, she has accomplished more than most new mothers can in two days.
We purchased reclining couches for the living room to make it more comfortable to watch TV. That lead to ‘movie night’ Fridays. Movie night is a great excuse for everyone to spend time together. It also saves on the $150 it would cost for all four of us to go to the movie theatre after coke, popcorn, babysitting and who knows what else.
Unexpected Problems
And what about me and my new in-laws? Most people have trouble even with roomates. How about living with two new roomates you’re just getting to know? There had to be problems and arguments and blow-ups, don’t you think?
Not really. Sure, we’ve had our misunderstandings while getting to know each other, but, nothing more. Once you translate the culture and language our underlying goals are so united there’s nothing to argue about.
The real surprise was watching Fabio and Martha go through the adjustment of living with each other while spending the whole day together. They’d raised two kids and been married for 30 years, but, had never spent as much daily time together as when they moved in with us.
Trash
We do more shopping online, nowadays. Things that would normally come together in a bag get delivered separately in a box. That brings more boxes into the house. With baby showers, birthdays, more guests, medical supplies and holidays we have a lot of trash!
I’m bad about remembering trash day. That’s a disaster with six people in the house. One false move and we’ll never catch up without a trip to the dump.
Fabio has taken to overseeing our trash situation. Believe me, when I wake up on Friday morning and don’t have to panic at the sound of the garbage trucks I’m very grateful.
Space & House Layout
More people means more guests. Guests need a place to stay. Our only ‘spare’ room was my office. So, whenever we had guests I had to give up my office. Sure, I could use the computer during the day, but, at least half of my productivity happens at night after everyone is asleep.
Guests were’nt the only reason for a new home office. The only room that could hold my filing cabinets, computer, books, reference materials and have room for a meeting with another person was my first office. That was also the only downstairs room available for my mom. As it turned out, using the last remaining bedroom upstairs didn’t work for several reasons:
When guests came I lost night-time use of the office. For me that was about half of my productivity.
The room was not really all mine. Isabel kept her office books, cabinets, lights and reference materials in the room. The closet was half full of her stuff and the other half was an overflow closet used by Martha.
My office was half upstairs and half downstairs. I had to go up and down the stairs three times just to stage the items needed to work on a project. Any doorbell ring or need for additional materials would send me upstairs and downstairs, yet again.
And so . . .
The Man Cave is Born
What this all lead to was the need to create another room in the house. The optimal room would be:
Downstairs.
Big enough for all the ‘tools’ for my work.
Not infringe on another mandatory use of space.
Accessible, but not too accessible to the daily activities of the house.
And so, my friend David and carved out 1/3 of our 3-car garage and made it into an office. It took 2.5 months of back-breaking work. Frankly, it was a study in the drawbacks and benefits of working on only one goal and ignoring all others. One day I’ll write an article on whether or not that’s the optimal approach.
Although I had designed an addition to the house that would have been perfect it was just too expensive to build considering all the other purchases I was making to make sure we’d make it through this terrible downturn in the economy.
Person by Person
In my first article I said there had to be something in it for everyone for the whole multi-generational living to work. Now that we’ve been together 13 months let’s go person by person and look at how its been for each one of us.
Mom
The joy on my mom’s face when she see’s Timothy (Every day) says it all.
On her second trip to the doctor, four months after moving in, he couldn’t believe how much she had improved. And that was before Timothy was born. We have lunch every day together and sometimes even a party on the patio. Timothy looks over and screams when mom waves at him and that’s a great ‘conversation’ to watch.
My mom’s health is not well and she doesn’t always cooperate with Martha when its time to do her exercises. However, I have my doubts that she’d be with us, at all, if it weren’t for the comfort and care she receieves by living with us.
Martha
Martha is obviously happy and also a bit restless. She’s taken on another child to take care of during the day for extra income and earns every penny of it.
Fabio
Fabio loves being at home. Later, he’ll probably need to get out more. But, for now there’s plenty going on in the house to entertain.
Timothy
Timothy gets parents who are smiling and not stressed out. He has the priceless attention and love of his grandparents. He feels the support of living in a home where everyone is looking out for each other and gets far more interaction than would be possible in daycare.
He’s learning Spanish as his first language and will pick up english like a sponge when it’s time. He might even be ready to learn a third by the time most students are deciding on a second.
Isabel
Before Isabel’s alarm clock goes off in the morning she’s gotten more ‘done’ than most mothers could in three days. That’s because most of what needs to be done around the house is split between myself, Fabio, Martha or other Martha (Who comes to clean house three times a month).
“People like doing things for me.”, she says. As a smart husband I won’t touch that statement.
Me
When I was single just thinking about living like this would have been like thinking about walking on the moon. Even now its an unfolding mystery. I’m suprised to find very little on the internet written about the subject coming from Americans. For economic reasons I predict that’s going to change.
Ironically, being willing to give up the freedom I had when I was single has been the very means of becoming more free than I’ve ever felt in my life.
I’m surprised the whole arrangement goes as well as it does.
What Happens Around Here
Here’s some things that happen around here:
Almuerzo – Spanish for “Lunch”. Everyday at 12pm prepared by Fabio. You know its happening when the intercom rings.
Movie Night – We bought special couches that recline so up to 6 people can recline in comfort. I figure every movie saves us $150 though saving money wasn’t the motivation.
Boys Day / Girls Day – With lots of people around this need becomes obvious. The girls want to do their thing without prying eyes. The boys want to do their thing without hearing comments.
Everybody’s Got Their Secret Stash
Martha has her sweets, mom’s got her cookies, Fabio has his whisky and I have my figs and wine. Isabel doesn’t have to keep a stash because Fabio keeps it for her for. Or maybe she’s just better at keeping secrets than we are.
What Our Friends Said?
Last month our friends and family told us they gave us two months, tops.
Can you blame them? What odds do you give someone bungy jumping from a helicopter?
And this article is not a, “See?, We TOLD you it would work!” I can’t do that because the lifestyle is an unfolding mystery. I can tell you the benefits and drawbacks in retrospect, but, the future is not predictable.
One of my favorite comments was, “If we predict failure we only have to be right once. For you to pronounce success you have to be right 24 hours a day, forever”. That’s only true if we took some kind of club oath. I’d say being happy for a solid year counts for a good measure of success.
Hernan (Fabio’s brother) thanked Fabio, not me, for his hospitality for a 2 week stay at the house. It occured to me, that night, that it was a sign of the success of living together. It’s not really my house, anymore. Its “our” house.
The things I have are just things I’m using while I’m alive. They don’t seem like mine, really. They’re just things and tools and materials. Now the house has become just another tool to get a job done.
Coverage
One of my favorite benefits is coverage. Here’s some examples:
If I need to run an errand I have coverage for Timothy and mom’s care.
If Isabel needs to work late she has coverage for Timothy. Tasks she ‘meant’ to get done that night can be delegated to us and she’ll probably have dinner waiting for her when she gets home.
If Fabio wants to go to Colombia for a few weeks he can pack a few things and go. He can easily plug back into his routine upon return.
If Martha needs the afternoon to go the doctor there’s not much planning needed for Fabio and I to cover for her.
The real value of coverage is that it is general and flexible. As things come up for each of us we know others are there to cover for us. Its a general comfort that becomes specific as life events unfold.
BBQs
I love BBQ’s. With more people and guests there are more excuses to have one. There’s also more oppurtunity to combine events like birthdays and anniversaries.
Cadence of the Day
Our days unfold with a cadence that marks time and gives things to look forward to. I know for sure this doesn’t happen when you’re single.
The Future
Fabio and Martha have considered selling their home in Orlando and probably would if the market allows.
If we have a second child the guest room goes to the baby. Even with the garage office I built to free up an official guest room we’ll be left with no spare rooms.
A prolonged recession in the US is now guaranteed. That makes our living situation even more beneficial. Perhaps these articles will be helpful to more Americans as they contemplate throwing in, together.
I can’t claim credit for the idea that my father and mother-in-law move in with us. Or that we move my mom from her nursing home into my office. . . .
. . . .Because that would be five people and two dogs in the same house with a baby on the way!
Oh, no. It was my optimal Wife that came up with this masterpiece. She saw the mounting nursing home bills, knew a baby was coming and swung into action. By the time she was finished laying it all out, one night after work, she had a way to upgrade all of our lives. And that upgrade goes double for her. But, what can I say? It was her idea.
Her radical plan was to have us all living together. We would divide up tasks according to our abilities, split costs where we could, spend time together, help her parents ramp down from a lifetime of work and bridge the 3000 mile distance between our baby and its grandparents.
She was proposing we live like a family. A multi-generational family.
It was outrageous!
The American Way?
Why wasn’t this anti-radical vision my idea?
Because I grew up in Florida in the late 70’s/early 80’s. A period in American history when we were doing all we could to make ourselves into personal sovereign nations.
Families were relocate-able units set up to follow the money wherever it lead. Women’s lib ‘freed up’ mom to go to work. Dads were encouraged to do whatever to ‘find themselves’. And the kids watched Miami Vice and thought the drug dealers were way better off than Crockett and Tubbs. The only question was how we were gonna get one of those Ferrari’s and live in a mansion in Miami without getting arrested?
Family. Aren’t those the people you live with until you get a job? Everyone knows the goal is to decrease the number of generations in one house from two to one!
Not so fast.
What was left over from mom’s check after taxes barely paid for babysitting and Friday night pizza. Dad got sick of microwaved hot dogs and found out how much better life was with mom around. Mom didn’t like office politics. And my brother and I were hard pressed to improve on my father’s job, which he loved. We were living pretty well and dad
still managed to retire at 52.
Panic
But, what’s happening here? Isabel and I have only been married for 16 months and we’ll never be alone in the house together again for at least 18 years or more! How could we stand that? Doesn’t everybody feel on top of each other? Who pays for all the food, mortgage, utilities, cable and what about all the potential noise and distractions all the time of everyone in the kitchen?
The Decision
Most of what makes life good or bad is set by five decisions or less.
Make them well and you eliminate 95% of the life’s friction. Make them badly and you’re plagued with problems that aren’t even solvable. This was one of those decisions.
For all my talk about optimizing everything and making balanced decisions from every vantage point my wife just fell asleep with a problem and woke up with the solution. But, Making the final decision gave me a headache for the next three weeks.
If I list everything that concerned me over living as a multi-generational household it would be the length of the phone book. Everything is affected by a decision like this.
Take the big things like space, time, money, personalities, family, daily activities, food, alone time and noise. Then imagine how each one affects the others on the list. Then factor in that we’ve only been married for 16-months. Add in that we would be taking on the full-time care of my mom who had two strokes, last year. And don’t think too much about that baby on the way or you might go a little nuts.
“Don’t make such a big deal about it.”, Isabel said.
First of all, you can’t get all the facts to make a decision like this. The permutations are not computable because you don’t have solid data for input. Its all anecdotal evidence from people you don’t know. How do I know these people share my values and preferences?
In the end, I used three tools to help make the decision: A mind map, a stop-loss provision and a leap of faith.
On the mind map I listed out every concern that came to mind. I drew lines connecting every box that affected the others (There were a lot of lines). I googled as much as I could to get other peoples’ experience. I tried to come up with a creative solution to anything that still caused concern. Then I slept on it, woke up, and did the same thing again. For Three weeks.
After all that I was ready to consult my newly informed intuition.
The result? Few problems that couldn’t be worked out. Everything depended on the personalities and character of the people involved. And these were unknowns in the circumstances under consideration because none of us had had lived this way before.
Several times in our brief marriage I asked my wife to have faith in something I felt strongly about and she went along. Things turned out as predicted and I’d like to think she’s more comfortable with my judgment. Now the shoe was on the other foot and she was asking me to have faith in her instincts. You might say, I owed her one.
You might also say there’s no way to eliminate the “Leap of Faith” aspect to a decision like this. But, her certainty did make the leap easier.
OK, so it might work. But, what if we’re wrong? Is there any way out?
To feel more comfortable in taking the first steps we put a few stop-loss provisions in place:
Fabio and Martha rented their house in Florida rather than sell it.
I made a two-year commitment to see if it would work.
I designed an addition to the house in case we didn’t have enough space.
With the mind map to mentally sort through the details, the leap of faith I owed Isabel and the above stop-loss provisions there were no excuses left to postpone the decision.
I was satisfied the downside to giving it a try had been minimized.
Moving In
Martha
Martha came first. She put in her notice to St. John’s, put on a baby shower for us and said her goodbyes to all her friends in Orlando. She was getting out of retail at the perfect time. She had been on her feet for 20 years and it was time to take a break and be with her daughter and grandchild-to-be.
In the weeks leading up to her arrival the boxes trickled in at the front door and were hauled up to the jungle, our safari theme guest room, one-by-one. If there was a time of nervousness for me it was watching the boxes arrive and wondering what we were getting ourselves into.
Martha is only 11 years older than me and only 3 years older than my friend, David, so there is no generation gap to speak of. When she arrived it was more like greeting a friend than a mother-in-law. It felt like a friend was spending a few weeks with us.
Mom
We had to get training to learn how to take care of my mom. They taught us how to transfer her from the bed to the chair, from the chair to the shower, how to prepare food and ways to help her do exercises. There was also a strict drug regimen that took some getting used to. Support equipment trickled in from the UPS guy. Stuff like wheelchairs, a shower chair, transfer poles and oxygen bottles were arriving every other day.
Then it was time to move my mom into the house. The actual move was the last step in a long project, beyond the scope of this article. It was quite a balancing act to prepare for her full-time care because she’s confined to a wheelchair and needs quite a range of care and attention. Martha took the sting out of all if this and everything went smoothly mostly because of her.
Mom was thrilled in a hundred different ways to be living at home.
After about two months of adjustments and many sessions with physical and occupational therapists we started to get the hang of the work involved. There were lots of medicare forms to sign and equipment to set up. Isabel set up all moms prescriptions to be automatically filled every quarter by just logging on and checking what we were running out of.
Fabio
My mom and Martha were here for about two months before Fabio came. By that time we had most things worked out and running smoothly.
Fabio gave a 45-day notice to the law firm he was working for. Along notice because he was working for his nephew Rodrigo and there was a lot of planning needed for a smooth transition.
When he arrived the house felt more balanced. I didn’t realize the balance had shifted so much to the feminine until he swayed it back to neutral.
Fabio’s first adjustment was what to do when the phone doesn’t ring. Back in Orlando he was getting ten calls an hour on the job. Now there was only the sound of the breeze on the patio, the geese flying overhead and the TV if he turned it on.
It wasn’t long before Fabio’s talents as a chef were put into swing when six cousins came to visit for a week. That brought the total in the house up to eleven for the week!
How’s It Workin’ Out?
After four months it’s working out better than my wife expected with advantages I didn’t expect.
Space
We dodged the bullet on space issues by having a larger house from the start.
We saw 76 houses before choosing this one. Our goal was to avoid having to move again before our kids went to college. The most obvious weakness would have been lack of space and 3049 square feet has been enough. More importantly, the layout is efficient, functional areas are separated and it handles people well. Hallelujah!
Bedrooms
Four of the five bedrooms are taken. The last one is ready for the baby coming next week. Since all kids get their own bedrooms, nowadays, we won’t have space issues until a second child comes along.
Alone Time
Alone time is more than having your own room. We have four options that can be used by anyone in the house:
The living room is off by itself.
The patio.
The outside front of the house on the “Silla de Navidad” or Christmas Chair.
On the golf course trails.
These areas don’t have doors. However, it’s not easy to find you unless you know where to look.
Guests
When guests come the blow-up beds from Costco come out and go into my office or one of the common areas. My office is perfect for that and the common areas feel like you have your own room.
I think its a waste of house to have rooms set aside only for guests. Many people think guest only rooms are mandatory. I think the mandatory rooms are for people who live in the house. I have no problem giving up my bedroom for a guest and can easily blow-up a bed and sleep in my office for a few days.
Noise
Noise has not been a problem other than my reluctance to sing loudly and write songs when people are around. As a musician I’m sensitive to noise. If its not a problem for me then it probably won’t be a problem for someone else.
Sometimes its hard to watch TV in the family room as people accumulate in the kitchen. But, we have one of those large family rooms connected to a large kitchen. What else would you expect with a room design like that?
If anyone really wants to watch something they go to their own rooms where there’s no interruptions. I’d rather have the family room/kitchen combination because its where everyone hangs out.
Expenses
Household expenses are about 10% higher in the form of electricity, cable, water and gas. We split food, so, food remains the same. You could look at the cost increase in three different ways:
It’s 10% more expensive.
That the incremental cost per person added is low.
That with a 10% increase overall expenses will still be much lower because more people are splitting all costs.
#1 and #2 are self-explanatory.
If you computed #3 by dividing all costs by five it would be a lot of money saved. But, we don’t do that for the same reason most people probably won’t: Money is only one way to keep track of contribution to a household
In our case Fabio and Martha make it more feasible to take on the full-time care of my mom. If mom is living here we save on paying a nursing home. Saving that expense frees up money to pay other expenses and improves the quality of all our lives, my mom’s most of all.
Fabio and Martha rent their house in Florida which pays for their house expenses. They have no house expenses here so can more easily cover bills like health insurance, gas, cell phone., etc.
Our costs have risen by 10% but we had to pay 90% of those costs, anyway. The more economies of scale and division of labor benefits (See below) that occur the more the additional 10% returns.
I think of it like the difference between buying one meal at a restaurant and eating at a buffet. You pay a little more for the buffet, but, the variety and quality of your meal is improved.
Economies of Scale
We can prepare a meal for five people as easily as two. And by scaling the same ingredients to a recipe the leftovers can last for several meals.
The Same goes for grocery shopping. One trip to the grocery store is taken to shop for five people instead of two. The gas, time and effort is the same while the people it serves is more than double. And we can buy the large cans at Costco making the food cheaper by the once. When the cans are opened they’re less likely to spoil and that means less waste.
Isabel and I each have an SUV. Fabio and Martha have a sedan. Since Isabel is the only person who commutes to work she switched to the sedan and her commuting costs were cut in half. Fabio and Martha can use the SUV around town which requires less mileage and gas on the larger car.
Some things are better, but not cheaper. A bachelor has little incentive to cook for himself, but a family almost always does. That leads to more cooked meals which are more nutritional than foraging out of the pantry.
Division of Labor
There are four people instead of two to manage chores or maintenance around the house. We also get the advantages of four people’s strengths instead of two. A task we have equal ability to perform can be rotated. The result is that the house runs smoother with less effort from any one person.
There’s also less stress. We have natural backup for the everyday overhead of living. Anything from a 2-hour trip to the grocery store to answering the door for the UPS guy.
This may seem trivial but it adds up. For me, its led to more work time and less distractions to write articles such as the one you’re reading.
To get an idea how the time and effort saved adds up look at the following list and add up the time you would save if you only had to perform the task every third time it was needed:
Grocery Shopping
Running Errands
Mailing Packages
Answering the Door
Washing Dishes
Screening Telemarketing Calls
Washing Clothes
Walking the Dog
Moving furniture
Taking Out the Trash
Preparing meals
Time with Family
We’re knocking it out of the park when it comes to time spent with family. Here’s what I observed around the house in the last month:
Singing Nat King Cole songs in Spanish on the patio while barbecuing lunch on the grill.
My mom on the patio with Lucy on her lap and laughing at the lyrics to a Jimmy Buffet song.
Isabel coming home to her favorite Colombian dish instead of having to make dinner when she’s tired.
Isabel and Martha on the couch looking at Facebook photos of a long lost friend.
Talking with Fabio and Martha on the Silla de Navidad about the Fannie Mae/Freddie Mac beginning of the next Great Depression.
Ricky following around grandpop whining and begging for a walk.
Martha telling stories of what Isabel was like as a child.
Visiting vineyards on Sundays after church to pick out a place to have the baby baptized.
Isabel and Martha and Maju (Fabio’s sister) decorating the baby’s room, together.
I’ve noticed the house is now the Family nerve center for extended family not living here, as well. Keeping up social contact with them is easier.
None of these things would’ve occurred if we weren’t under the same roof for longer than Christmas visits. And the whole situation will be what our children think of as normal. They will assume its just the way family’s live.
Your Optimal Family Living?
So far, yes.
However, I cannot make a whole-hearted recommendation of MG family living to everyone reading this. There are too many prerequisites, many of which are not in your control. I do recommend being open to considering it in light of the prerequisites, listed below.
Money and Family
It is possible to save money living like this. But, a more realistic goal is to improve your quality of life. Most of the benefits are intangible. Like the best things in life they can be counted on your fingers but maybe not in your bank account.
If you’re on the verge of financial disaster this isn’t going to save you. You probably won’t have the temperament or patience to make it work. One of the ways you could ruin it is to walk around with a calculator and tally up every nickel and dime insisting that everyone pay their fair share. Unless your calculator has has a “Quality of Life” button the numbers won’t prove the case, either way.
House Layout is Critical
Layout is more important than size. I’ve seen 2000 sq. ft. houses that would work and 5000 sq. ft. houses that wouldn’t. Here’s a shopping list of features that would make MG family living easier:
One bedroom per person or couple
One full bathroom per four people
Bathrooms accessible without intruding on privacy
Bedrooms separate from dining room for noise
Bedrooms separate from family room for noise
Kitchen and pantry large enough to handle everyone
House should have places for alone time, besides bedrooms
Including the baby we’ll average 508/sq. ft per person. I don’t know if that’s a magic number because layout is more important that space. Just adding it here for reference.
Good for Everyone
This whole multi-generational family living is voluntary, for everyone. You’d be fooling yourselves to think it was sustainable if there wasn’t something in it for everyone. The more, the better.
Even if your situation does benefit everyone, personalities may not mix. Ours do, so it works. But, any personality friction will only be worse if there isn’t something in it for everyone.
An Extension of Existing Compatibility
My wife and I have similar families, values and goals. And, we were raised in the same part of the country by parents with similar values. During these four months it feels as if our existing compatibility was extended to include our family. Is it really such a stretch that the family she came from is compatible with the family I came from?
Neil Clark Warren, Ph.D. says, “…when two people come from similar backgrounds, they operate from a position of strength. Their relationship is made significantly easier by all the customs and practices they have in common.”
And here’s what he says about the opposite:
“Forging a relationship with an opposite is so hard because every difference you have requires negotiation and adaptation. Accommodation and compromise will necessitate plenty of change. This change creates a kind of stress. If there are too many differences, you may not be able to survive all the strain involved in adapting to each other.”
Starting with you and your wife, a house full of opposites is more likely to zap everyone’s strengths just to cope with all the differences. Families with similar backgrounds, however, can focus on contributing individual strengths for the benefit of all.
The Future
We have many upcoming challenges:
How do things change when the baby comes?
A second child?
What Happens When My Mom Passes Away?
Estate Planning?
Building the Addition to the house?
And what challenges will time reveal that we don’t know about yet?
I plan to update this article, every year, for other families thinking of moving in together. I could have used an article like this five-months ago.
I don’t have an all-time final verdict. But, I do have the verdict on the last four months. I will whisper the three magic words my wife most longs to hear: “You were right”.
